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Samantha Toft
Member
Posts: 5
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| 07/18/2008 12:59 AM |
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June 13th, 2008
Well, this morning I went to my regular scheduled OB visit. It was Friday the 13th and I was 13 weeks along. No, I'm not superstitous but I was worried. First of all, I had been constipated my whole pregnancy up to this point and this particular morning I had diarrhea. That was a little concerning to me. I went to my appointment. The nurse asked if I had any problem and I said, "no, not really...". My doctor came in an put the doppler on my stomach. He said "we're gonna move you over to the ultrasound room and try to hear it the heartbeat that way." This wasn't concerning for me because it was the first time he'd tried to do it with the doppler and I thought "well, maybe it was too soon in the pregnancy to hear the heartbeat that way." Then we went into the ultrasound room and he rubbed the paddle over my bloated belly and he didn't see anything. That was alarming because 2 weeks prior we had seen it that way at my high risk doctors office. I thought my regular ob's machine was just a cheaper version or something. So, he wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound. So, he came back in, my heart was racing, and he started to do the ultrasound. I tried to look at the ultrasound screen and he pulled it close to him. He said "I'll show you in a minute". So, I sat there in the dark with him. My heart was thumping hard and he said to me, "I'm sorry to tell you this but, your baby does not have a heartbeat." At that very moment my heart was ripped out of my chest. I bagan to cry. I was a lone. My husband was working over at work. He asked me if he should come with me and I said, "no, I'll be fine." He always went with me to my appointments. So, I said sobbing, "Dr, what are we going to do now?" This was my first pregnany, trying to conceive almost 9.5 years, I had no clue. He said, "Well, you are too far along for me to just go in and do a D & C. You are going to go to the hospital and check in. Then we are going to put medicine in you to make you go into labor." I had been on Lovenox, a blood thinner medicine and that was a scare to me. What if I would have started to bleed? Was I going to bleed to death? So, when I got to the hospital my high risk doctor met my husband, me, & family there. He confirmed it with another ultrasound. At 6pm I was "enduced" with a suppository. My water broke at 4am and I delivered our baby at 5:45am on June 14, 2008. Our baby, named Dakota Jordan Toft was the size of my hand.
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/18/2008 5:21 AM |
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Samantha,
My heart breaks for your loss. Especially after the time spent trying to conceive. Dakota is a beautiful name. I am so sad that you had to endure this tragedy.
We are all here for you on this site. I pray that you will find healing and comfort in the ladies here. Did you get any answers yet as to what happened?
How is your husband dealing with Dakota's death? Men grieve differently and it can be hard to relate to them during this time. I pray that you are closer than ever.
Please feel free to read the other stories on this site. Sometimes it is helpful to know you are not alone, but sometimes it is overwhelming. I will be praying for you daily.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/18/2008 8:37 AM |
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I'm terribly sorry for you loss. I remember everything about the day the doctor told me there was no heart beat. It is a horrible gut wrenching feeling. I'm really sorry your husband wasn't there. That had to be really hard doing on your own and then having to tell him must of been harder. I was only 10 weeks along, but the baby was only about 5 weeks. I was lucky and only had to do a D&C.
I really hope you are able to get pregnant again. Did you have any help getting pregnant the first time or did you do it the natural way? I'm really new to all the procedures, but some of the ladies on here have been pretty helpful about some of the options that you might have.
Please let me know if there is any thing else I can do to help you through this. This site has been really good for me and I hope it can help you too. I will keep you, your husband, and baby dakota in my prayers.
-Jessica |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 07/19/2008 1:57 AM |
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Sam, so glad you joined the site. I have found it to be so helpful - both mentally and spiritually.
Everyone, I recommended Sam to share her story here. We met a while ago on a pregnancy site. She is a very dear friend to me. Please be good to her :) I know you wouldn't be anything else...
Love you Sam!
Hugs and prayers,
Karin |
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Samantha Toft
Member
Posts: 5
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| 07/21/2008 11:21 AM |
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Jessica, I didn't get any help getting pregnant. It just happened after 9.5 years. My husband and I just kind of "gave up" on trying years ago. We just thought, "well, if God allows it, then it will happen." We were both settled on the idea that we weren't going to have kids. I didn't even tell my husband that I was taking the pregnancy test because I didn't want to disappoint him if it was negative. That's happened before. But, I felt totally different this time. My BBs were very sore and I never had that before and it felt like I was having an appendicitis. I took a pregnancy test 2 wks prior and it was negative. Then on April 22 I came home from work, took the test (without hubby knowing) and immediately there were 2 lines. WOW! I came out the bathroom screaming.
I prayed to God many x's and I told God, "God, I know if your word you tell us that you will not give us more than we can handle. God, I couldn't handle if something happened to my baby."
I prayed this many x's. I'm struggling with why all this happened to me. I was settled on the idea I wasn't going to get pregnant and then it happened to me. I cried the first time I seen the baby's heartbeat on the screen. Finally, it was happening to me, not my sisters, or friends, it was me.
Then on June 13th when I heard the terrible news about the baby's heartbeat I felt like my life was over. But, you know what, I was FORCED to handle it. I don't know why I was made to suffer this loss. I never knew or understood what women went through til now. This loss is more deeper than I would have ever imagined.
My loved ones and friends that have passed, I had a relationship with them, but this loss is more devastating to me than those. And I knew them. But I never got to know my child, Dakota. |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/21/2008 11:55 AM |
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We are so much stronger than we think we are. I hope you realize that now. Because I thought the same thing. I thought that when I was pregnant, that I would never get over losing a baby. I was incredibly lucky and only had to a have D&C. But still devastating all the same. I remember my mom telling me that God only gives us what we can handle. And I use to get made at that because my response was, "I don't want to handle this." "Why me? What makes me so much different than all the other women in this world?" I still don't have any answers to that, but that God didn't do this to be mean. God truly does love us, like one our parents, well actually He loves us more than that. So it doesn't make sense that He would put us through all this pain. But he does have some kind of plan for ALL of US. When something like this happens we tend to think that he forgot about us or doesn't love us, but that isn't the case. One day when we are in heaven with all of our children, we will know exactly what he was doing. But until then we will never fully understand what was going on or why it happened. Someone use to say to me, "Let go and Let God." That is one of the hardest things for me to do, but it true.
I do feel so sorry for you because you already did Let go and Let God, when you thought you weren't meant to have kids. I will keep praying for your family. I really wish there was more we could do for you and everyone else on here. Sometimes I feel so helpless. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything else I can do.
Thanks
Jessica |
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Samantha Toft
Member
Posts: 5
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| 07/22/2008 12:52 AM |
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Jessica, there was a song on the christian radio station that I needed to hear when I heard it. It's kind of new. It's by Meredith Andrews and it's called, "You're not Alone". You talking about God loving us more than even our parents reminded me of that song. I heard the song a few days after I m/c Dakota and I was in my van and wanted to just run away. I heard this song and cried, and cried, and cried some more (all while driving and not knowing where I was going) so I turned around and went home.
But these are the words:
You're Not Alone
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away your every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life
I love this song. Sam |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/22/2008 7:43 AM |
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I love it. I will have to down load it and hear it. Isn't it wierd when you have those moments. I guess it isn't wierd, it is God talking to us. But i never really had a God moment like I did the other day, it was almost like I could hear his voice. I am very grateful for that moment. I'm really glad that you had this song to help you. I told my mom about what God moment and she said it was because I open to it. I know she is right because i never wanted to mad at God for happened, because I knew deep down he had a plan for me. But when i took my last pregnancy test and it came up negative I got so mad at Him. I think I was finally going through the steps of mourning. I think I was finally open to what he had to say. If he came earlier I don't know if I would have heard it. And saying that, He probably did come to me earlier, I just didn't hear Him.
-Jessica
p.s. try not to drive and cry. That can be dangerous. I do it, but that is what my mom always tell me. I know at a moment like that you can't help it, but i guess that is the mother in me. |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/24/2008 7:18 AM |
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Sam,
I just wanted to let you know that I down loaded that song and it was really great. I think every one on here should hear that song. I can see why it made all the difference to you. Thank you for sharing that!!
-Jessica |
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Samantha Toft
Member
Posts: 5
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| 07/27/2008 2:43 PM |
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Jessica, like I said, it hit me right when I needed it. And Ps. you're right. You shouldn't drive & cry at the same. It's doesn't mix well.  Sam |
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