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Heidi Morgan
Member
Posts: 1
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| 08/15/2007 8:23 PM |
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| Hi there, my name is Heidi I am 26 and I have just recently experienced my 2nd loss, this one was the hardest. My first was almost 6 years ago when I was pregnant with twins and was in a car accident at 21 weeks, after the birth of my daughter Dylan, I was able to find out that the twin, my son Dekken died from shock during the accident and Dylan didn't, because he had down syndrome. I was always dissappointed and saddened but I still had a little one to take care of and almost felt blessed thinking how in the world would I have done this with 2 and one having down syndrome. Over the years when I became a single mom I took it as a blessing that Dekken was somewhere he could be cared for, b/c if he'd survived I would never have been able to properly care for him, myself and Dylan, I went thru about a year and a half of severe depression that I refused to treat with medication I thought with prayer and perserverance and bringing into and doing positive things for my life I would get thru it and I did, but it was hard. My most recent loss comes to me after almost 3 years of a great job, buying a home, marrying the greatest guy in the world and thinking I was about to have it all. This time was HARD. When I went for my first ultrasound to find out if I was having a boy a girl, the nurse starting taking all the measurements smiling, happily conversating, and then all of a sudden she was smiling too much no longer conversating and printing off a bunch of pictures and just going to get the doctor I'd already been told I probably wouldn't see b/c he had to rush to surgery. I saw it in her eyes when she walked out the door with one glance back and a half hearted smile. I knew just like I knew after I'd had the wreck and the doctor kept looking at the screen with a half smile on his face, forced smiles are so easy to read I don't know why anyone bothers. We were asked into the doctors office to be told the kidneys were enlarged and that was of some concern and he'd like me to go to a specialist for another ultrasound. We did and it was determined that my baby had kidney failure which to the specialist ultimatly meant death. He could recommend a great doctor for a second opinion which after we researched the doctor and found out he was as good as it gets in that area we went to see him and he concluded the same thing but wanted to do a cordioscentisis, to take a sample of the cord blood and determine if there was any kidney function at all which would give him reason to do fetal surgery and put in a shunt b/c with kidney failure and no fetal urine there would soon be no amniotic fluid for the baby to live and in and ultimately develop the lungs. He determined there was no kidney function from the tests and we were put on a wait til you go into your labor and your baby is born dead watch. It was excruciating everytime someone asked what I was having and was I excited. We were praying and on so many prayer lists, but I kinda knew I guess or I just didn't hold out hope I don't know. I was told along the way he, it was determined to be a boy, would die invetro, during labor, be stillborn, and be deformed from lack of amniotic fluid. On July 24th with no drugs I delivered an almost 9 lb baby boy alive and he did cry one great cry who was taken to Neonatal unit to have what work done that we had agreed to do and then about an hour and a half after delivery the neonatal dr came in to tell me there was nothing more she could do and for my husband and i to come have our time with him as he passed. I am glad I didn't have the drugs I was completely aware of what was going on and coherent, no loopiness to deal with. I was wheeled to the neonatal unit and there was the fattest most beautiful baby lying in the bed with a respirator which they immediatly took off and handed him to me, my husband and i were taken to a quiet room to be alone with him until he died. He was beautiful no deformities, no club foot no nothing just a beautiful fat healthy looking baby with broke kidneys and hyperplastic lungs so that he couldn't breath on his own. He tried to open his eyes twice and three times he squeezed my hand, he tried to take a few gasps for air but nothing traumatic. The dr came in to check his vitals a couple times and I said I would know when he was gong. And after about an hour, I looked at my husband and told him he was gone and to get the dr so they could call time of death and I was right he was finally gone. Then we had our families come in to see him and eventually took him back to my room to await the arrival of my daughter she's 5 starting kindergarden this year and we had already told her he wasn't going to make it after consulting several child psychologists and when she got there she asked if he was in heaven and we said yes and she kinda acted like she didn't care there was a baby there for her to hold and kiss so she was happy but since we've been home she's asked alot and cried some, but is getting thru it. I hated leaving and going home empty handed and having to recover from a pregnancy that yielded no child. I am still bitter and grieving and I know I am not alone and am hoping that by coming on here I will get some of the support that is hard to ask of the people that are here around me. |
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Ulizabeth Walker
Regular Participant
Posts: 11
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| 08/21/2007 7:47 PM |
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Heidi,
I am so sorry for your losses. Oh my your testimony touched me so. It is amazing that I read this tonight and it is God! Your son and my daughter Alivia share the same birthday. Alivia was stillborn July 24 , 2006 at 5:03 pm due to an incompentent cervix.
What special moments you must have had with your baby boy; seeing him try to open his eyes so he could look at his family and tell them it will be okay, squeezing your finger to remind you again it will be okay.
Heidi, know that he is so happy in heaven and he is so perfect-no bad kidneys or lung problems. He and Alivia are walking on streets of gold and they are both already pottied trained : )
You are not alone and angels are surrounding you everyday at the request of your baby boy. I know it hurts so bad but, God will give you strength that you can't even imagine.
Just few questions
What is his name?
Where do you live?
Praying for you, Liz Walker |
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Heidi Morgan
Member
Posts: 2
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| 08/21/2007 8:03 PM |
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| His name was Jackson Earl Morgan. We live in Trenton, Florida which is about 30 minutes from Gainesville home of the Gators. |
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Heidi Morgan
Member
Posts: 2
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| 08/21/2007 8:17 PM |
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Thank you,
I have been making it through pretty well and I don't know if it's that I made it to the step of acceptance faster b/c I knew this was coming or if I just haven't got there yet. But I do believe God has given me what I need to get thru and either I already have or I will come out of this stronger. I am sorry for your loss as well I will keep you in my prayers as well and thank you for keeping me in yours. |
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Kourtney Horton
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 08/22/2007 3:20 PM |
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Hello Heidi,
I wanted to tell you what a strong and inspirational woman I think you are for sharing your story with others. What a blessing to hold him in your arms and share that time with who is now your own personal Angel. I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kourtney Horton
Wife to Jeff Horton
Mother to Brayden Horton
and Gave God an Angel on October 23, 2006 |
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Melissa Stephens
MEND Moderator
Recognized Participant
Posts: 153
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| 08/26/2007 11:32 AM |
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| Heidi, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm incredibly sorry for the losses you have suffered and hope you will find comfort here. |
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Melissa
wife to Rob
mommy to:
David, my 1st angel in heaven - born still October 23, 2003
C.J., my angel on earth - Sept. 29, 2005
Baby Stephens, my 2nd angel in heaven - June 30, 2008
Stanley, my fur-baby - miniature schnauzer, 4 years old |
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