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MEND Online Forums
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| Author |
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Deb Knox
Member
Posts: 3
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| 07/22/2008 5:51 PM |
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| Hi. I'm not sure if this is where I should be writing this but here goes. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks on June 7, 2004. My husband and I welcomed a healthy baby girl, Catrina, on May 18, 2005. We had a very early miscarriage in late November 2006. On June 19, 2008 we went into the hospital to have our baby. (We were 37 weeks.) Sadly, we were told that there was no heartbeat. How is that possible when two days ago I had an appointment and everything was fine? The next day, June 20, 2008, our daughter Phoebe Grace was born. She was 7lbs. 9oz., 19 1/2 inches. She was absolutely perfect and so beautiful. We were told that it was a "cord accident". Apparently the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck four times. We are really struggling with this loss. I made it past 14 weeks and felt "safe". How can this happen when she was so close to being born? My three year old is really having trouble understanding - when is Phoebe coming down from heaven? can we go up to heaven? I'm a big sister because Phoebe's coming soon. She has been very angry the last few weeks, this is very unlike her. Also, she has started biting herself. I feel like I lost Phoebe and am now losing Catrina. I'm hoping that this will help me heal some and perhaps give me some hope and guidance. Deb |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/22/2008 10:16 PM |
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I just want to welcome you to this site. This site has really helped me deal with my loss. I don't have any live children and I had a miscarriage so I feel pretty lost in any advice to give to you other than I will pray for you. There are other ladies on here that have dealt with the same type of loss that you are experiencing. These ladies have become like family. I'm sure you will find something here that will help you.
As for Catrina acting the way she is, I'm sure it is her way of dealing with the loss. This can't be easy for her. Give her some time to bounce back, kids are pretty strong. Sometimes stronger than us. But I would say you know her more than any of us will. So if you think there is something really wrong with her you might talk to a doctor.
I will pray for you and your family. And just know that you are not alone.
-Jessica |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 07/23/2008 1:53 AM |
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Deb, I am so very sorry for your loss. We all know how terribly hard it is. Please know that you are not alone, and we are all here to support you and pray for you.
Concerning your daughter, I can't give you much advice either due to lack of personal experience. I have a 2 year old son and he isn't able to understand yet. He will be able to understand later though and we want him to know he has a sister in Heaven and talk to him a lot about it. I do know there are books out there that helps parents talk to their children about the sibling they lost, how to remember and honor the sibling as well. I unfortunately don't know the titles but maybe a book shop will be able to help you. I know my support group leader (non-christian) have books like that which has helped her a lot with her 4 year old son. He is able to talk freely at school about his sister in heaven, makes her drawings etc. I think it is probably important to help your child get her emotions out the right way. Just like us, if we hold back our grief and fears etc it can turn into anger and depression instead.
I will send my leader an email asking her about the books and let you know.
Until then, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Karin |
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Deb Knox
Member
Posts: 3
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| 07/23/2008 6:07 AM |
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Karin,
I would really appreciate some titles of books that would be appropriate for young children. I looked at the library and the book store, there really isn't much out there. And, what is out there, they don't carry. (I was able to get a book titled "Thumpy's Story" through Amazon.)
Thanks for the message.
Deb |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/23/2008 6:40 AM |
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Deb,
The loss you have experienced is terrible. I also lost my son to a cord accident at 40 wk gestation in December. He had been fine 2 days earlier and we were going in for induction since it was my due date. It was shocking and I couldn't believe he was gone.
I am praying for you. I don't have any living children but I can't imagine how hard that would be for Catalina as well.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/23/2008 6:58 AM |
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Hi Deb,
I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my daughter at 40 weeks with no answers to her death, we had an appointment the day before she died and everything was good...we delivered her stillborn on her due date with no reason for our loss...
These things are so difficult and I am praying for you and your family.
I do not have any live children, but I can imagine that Catrina is angry and confused and therefore trying to deal with it the best way that she knows how...what have you told her about Phoebe and why she is not with you and your family? I know my 5 year old nephew is still having a hard time with my daughter Hope passing in on January 30th...he always tells me how much he misses her and in the beginning told me that he was going up to heaven to get her and bring her back...we just try to explain that she is in a real happy place and she gets to have lots of cool toys and things like that...I am not sure that he truly understands but he is getting better and better with how to deal with it
I don't know if any of this has helped but I am thinking about you and your family and wishing you peace at this devastating time!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Deb Knox
Member
Posts: 3
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| 07/23/2008 1:25 PM |
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Wow! I am so glad I found this site. Everyone seems so genuine and caring. THANK YOU!!
We have told Catrina that Phoebe is in heaven with Jesus. Like the nephew, she doesn't understand that death is final. She talks about when Phoebe comes down from heaven to join us and she tells people she is a big sister because the baby is coming soon. She also talks about us going up to heaven with Phoebe. I guess I don't know how much to tell her/correct her. Should I just answer the questions she asks and leave it at that? I know as she gets older she will be able to comprehend it better.
I'm am very sorry to hear of everyone elses losses. I really never realized that this late in pregnancy babies still die with all of the technology that we have today. I never expected this. To go into the hospital to have a baby and come home empty, watching other moms leave with their newborns, noone should have to experience that. However, having two earlier miscarriages I know how painful a loss at any stage is.
Thank you for listening, Deb |
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Annie Carter
Member
Posts: 1
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| 07/27/2008 10:19 PM |
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| Thank you for this site. I visited it for the first time today. It has been very helpful for us. My husband and I lost our first child (first pregnancy) at 26 weeks gestation. We were told that our baby had no heartbeat. We are having a hard time understanding this. I had no problems during my pregnancy and no signs of a problem. We did all of the necessary tests and the doctors/hospital have no explanation for the loss. I feel completely lost and am searching for answer I will never have. |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/28/2008 5:59 AM |
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Annie,
I will pray for God's peace to surround you and your husband. Unfortunately, even having an answer sometimes still does not make the pain any less.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/29/2008 9:51 PM |
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Annie,
I always ask, "Why me?" and I will never have an answer to that. It something all of us will ask for a long time. And like i said most of us will never have an answer for that question, it is something we will we just have to live with. I am really sorry for your loss. This site has really helped me with almost everything that had to do with my loss. I hope you can find some comfort and peace here. Please feel free to talk about anything that is going on in your head or heart. One of the things I'm learning is that isn't just about lossing our babies, it is also about our faith. So please feel free to speak about these things, I know it has really helped to talk to other ladies that knew where I was coming from.
I will keep praying for you and hope to hear more from you.
-Jessica |
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