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MEND Online Forums
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Rachel Butler
Member
Posts: 5
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| 07/30/2008 7:12 AM |
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| My name is Rachel and my husband and I just lost our first child. During our 20 week ultrasound we found out that our daughter had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). We prayed and prayed and God led us in the direction not having multiple surgeries for our daughter in order to make only one half of her heart work for her whole heart. Our daughter Zoey Joy was born on July 14th, 2008 and she passed away on July 17th, 2008. We love her so very much and I miss her so very much. I have been crying most days every morning when I wake up and crying most nights before I fall asleep. And lately (the past few days) I haven't been doing that. I feel so guilty for not crying all of the time for her. I miss her and I love her so very much. How do you move on? How do I do this? How long did it take you to grieve and then move on? |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/30/2008 10:31 AM |
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Rachel,
First I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things for anyone. But if you look at the people on this site, they will all tell you that they survived it. It wasn't easy and there were days that were harder than others, but at the end of the day you can say you made it. And don't feel guilty for not crying. Some days you just can't cry. I know at first there were days I wanted to, but I ran out of tears to cry with. Plus you find that some days are better than others. Enjoy those days. And when you feel like crying, just cry. Your baby would not want you to cry all the time.
And I don't know if there is the right answer for how to move on. For me, I just allowed myself to talk about it. This site was really helpful. At first I tried to bottle it up, but I just found myself getting angry all the time. And that is not healthy for me. So when I finally let myself feel what ever I needed to feel, I was able to finally find some peace. But I couldn't have done it with out the women on this site, my mother, and my husband. Oh and I can't forget the big guy upstairs 
I will pray for you and your family. I am truly sorry for you loss. Please feel free to express yourself however you need to.
-Jessica |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 256
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| 07/30/2008 3:06 PM |
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Rachel,
I have only "moved on" because I know that I will see my son again one day. I treat his loss as a temporary absence. I thank God that my entire family will be reunited in heaven.
I am sorry for the loss of Zoey. It sounds like she left a huge impression on your life in such a short time. Aren't babies amazing?
I am also hoping that when I have a living child that it will heal me as well. Please remember that moments of joy are precious. Enjoy them and don't feel guilty about not crying sometimes. You can remember Zoey without crying or feeling sad.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 132
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| 07/30/2008 9:29 PM |
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Rachel, I am truly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you knowing what you are going through. I know that God molds and forms us through fire, but being in the midst of it is so very hard. Please know though that God will never leave you or forsake you, and please know that although you may feel very alone you are not. We all understand what you are going through and we are here for you when you need to share, vent or is in the need of prayer.
I honestly don't think we move on. I think we move forward, slowly. Moving on to me almost sounds like we are forgetting, and we will never forget.
What has helped me has ben sites like this where we can share - both about our loss and emotions, but also about our faith. The bible says we need to mutually encourage eachother and this site is a great tool. What has also helped me is journaling. I write down absolutely everything I feel and think and hear. It is my journey and this way I can look back and see growth and healing. It all comes slowly though.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel for as long as you feel. I think we all go through seasons when we don't feel much at all and days where we feel better, and then days were we are in the pits. I found that as time passed there were many better days, but when the hard days came they would hit hard and often unexpected. There is no right and wrong way of grieving, there is only your way. Maybe I should rephrase that... I have seen people go through grief and abandon the rest of their family and I think that is a wrong way of grieving. I believe if we stay close to God He will help us grieve in a healthy way . I have had to realize that just because I have the occasional bad day, it doesn't mean I am sinning. It means I am a human who have experienced a great loss but God will help me through it.
I pray that the Lord will strenghten you and comfort you, and that you will also find comfort and support through this site.
In His love,
Karin |
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Rachel Butler
Member
Posts: 5
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| 08/01/2008 7:51 AM |
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| I sometimes don't know what to do . I have to now get a job in order to help build back up our savings and pay for whatever medical bills we have. I went on a job interview yesterday and I felt so terrible. I was supposed to be raising my daughter and now I am out looking for a job. One thing I figured out yesterday was that I was not ready for that interview, I am not ready to get back out there and get a job at a new place with new people. But I feel so guilty for needing to move forward. I feel like I'm leaving her behind. |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 256
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| 08/01/2008 2:56 PM |
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Rachel,
I can assure you that you will never leave her behind. She will always be with you and in your heart.
I was able to take 8 weeks off work after Drew died for "maternity leave". That time helped me heal physically and emotionally before I had to be back in the office.
I pray that you find an understanding and compassionate workplace. They will need to understand that you will have good and bad days.
Please remember that we are all here for you.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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