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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/15/2008 9:02 PM |
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*I thought I just posted this, but I can't find it. 
Starting over - -
----
Hello.
For at least three weeks, I've been searching for a support forum that felt right. I worried, wondered and debated for what seemed like forever. I've been here and looked around several times and finally felt like this is where I should be. I prayed and asked the Lord to help me find a good place to hang out and discuss. Here I am.
For now, you all can just call me LM...my initials. Once I get to know you and hopefully make friends, I'll be willing to share my real name.
Why am I here?
Well, on December 17, 2007, I lost my first and only baby. But, I haven't started to tell anyone....not a soul about my ordeal until August 26, 2008. I was in denial. Major denial. I didn't want accept that I lost my baby.
I was seven weeks along when I miscarried. I've been waiting for a baby for at least 20 years, (I'm 40) and I was so very, very happy to find that I'd gotten pregnant in October. My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, now) and I had been going through some ups and downs in our relationship. During the time I got pregnant, things were great and we were talking about getting married. "J" told me he knew how badly I wanted to have a baby, and he wanted a child with me, too. Considering my age, we both agreed that trying to get pregnant before marriage would work for us as we weren't sure of how long it'd take for me to get pregnant, and with the old biological clock ticking...
So, to my surprise, I was pregant right away. I wanted to tell everyone on Christmas Day that I was pregnant. It didn't happen. I lost the baby on December 17. I never got to see a songogram picture, either. My doctor was booked, so she could only see me a few weeks after I called, which would have been the week of Christmas, but like I said, I miscarried on the 17th.
I'd like to explain what happened on that day, and I do hope I'm not too gross/graphic. I don't want to get kicked off the forum on my first day. No intention to offend...really.
I was home alone when I lost my baby and I saw the teeny, teeny, tiny little human in the toilet. I'd been really sick all that day...cramping and aching all over. I wanted to believe it was the onset of the flu, but when the heavy bleeding and severe cramping came, I knew differently. I felt waves of pain in my stomach, back and legs, and as I've read and understand, that's very much how some women feel during contractions. I felt to urge to push as if I were having a BM, but my stomach muscles felt really different. I started bleeding really heavily. Once I felt a large "lump" fall from me, I was scared to look, but I did. I saw my precious little angel in that water. I put on a pair of rubber gloves and lifted him/her from the water. It was a lot like I've seen and read in books and online....a little "tadpole". I could make out the little head and the tiniest little nubs where the arms would have begun to form. It couldn't have been any larger than half of the first portion of my thumb. I panicked and dropped it...my baby back into the water and flushed. I felt and still feel so, so guilty for flushing my baby down a toilet. I knew there was nothing else to do, but I felt that I should have wrapped it in a little towel and taken it to the hospital, though I know they would have disposed of him/her, as well. But, that was my baby...mine, that I did that to. I feel that my baby deserved so much better. Just two weeks ago I finally broke down in heaving sobs about that and I begged my baby to forgive me for what I did.
I kept all of this to myself because - -
1/ I was afraid people would say it's no big deal to lose a baby so early on. My brother reassured me that none of our supporting family and friends would say such a thing. He was right.
2/ I didn't want to accept the fact that I' lost my baby...the one I'd prayed so hard for.
3/ I didn't want to hear - "Be glad it happened when it did" (yes, I'm sure it would have been much harder if I'd carried him/her for many more weeks, but still...), "It was so early that it really wasn't a baby", You'll have another one day" (at my age, I really do wonder), "You're better off because you'd have been a single mom" (Yes, a cousin actually told me to be glad I didn't have the baby to raise alone!) I wanted my baby, regardless!
4/ My boyfriend and I broke up in February, and I was really angry and him and didn't want to deal with that, plus the loss of our baby. He didn't even know I was pregnant and miscarried until two weeks ago. We broke up on bad terms and vowed never to have anything to do with one another again. That's a big deal in itself.
But he's been very supportive. We now live 2 1/2 to 3 hours apart, so phone conversations are it for us for now.
I pushed it all way, way to the back of my mind. I had a huge 40th b'day party in January and no one had a clue about my suffering. I partied like crazy, never thinking of the suffering I had going on inside.
What finally made me speak up? One of best friend's 20yr old son was hit by a car and killed on his 20th birthday in August. While at the funeral, my friend cried and screamed for her baby...saying she'd never get to hold him again, tell him how she loves him, etc. I watched and listened to her and thought (rather casually) - "Hmm. I'm supposed to have a baby, now. My baby would be a month old. I won't get to hold him, tell him I love him, just like "C". The funeral was on a Saturday, and my emotions didn't hit me until that Tuesday. Well, I say that.
I know it hit be long before then, but I didn't accept them. I wasn't sleeping, I was half eating, I was depressed, my heart always felt like it'd leap from my chest, my BP was up, and my doctor kept asking what had me so stressed. I'd say "work, I guess".
The memories of the day I lost my baby are coming back at full force. A little over a week ago, I actually felt the pain in my stomach, legs, back, etc just as if I were losing the baby again. It was horrible!
I've been crying quite a bit tonight and decided that maybe I should go ahead and join you all here.
I host a site and forum featuring four fave TV shows, but I've only confided in a select few, privately. I've grown very close to a few of them and we share a lot of personal information and support one another. I don't know if I'll ever post about the baby on my forum, but I knew I needed to find one that's made for people like me...those who are suffering from very similiar situations.
I do try and find comfort in knowing that my little baby is cradled in my mom's arms. She passed away from cancer in March of 2003. She was my best friend and I miss her dearly. I would love to have her here to help me get through this.
She always wanted grandchildren. My brother and his girlfriend don't have any together, and I didn't have any before this baby. I know my mom would have been very excited to know I was pregnant, but also hurt at my loss. I know she would have helped me more than anyone could.
As I said earlier, I tried posting this before, but couldn't find it. There was quite a bit more that I'd said, but I can't remember it all and I'm also getting tired. So, hopefully this message will be posted. I saved some of it to a file in case it gets lost again. Fingers crossed.
I'll be sharing the name of my little angel with you all in a couple of weeks or so. I haven't told anyone as I'm waiting until the balloon ceremony. The name will be on little cards I'm making that will be attached to the balloons, along with lyrics to a favorite song, a poem and a picture/drawing of an Angel with a baby, provided all goes according to plan.
I'm also planning to order a ring with both our birthstones on it. My estimated due date was July 22...the day after my mom's birthday, so they'll share a birthstone. I would loved to have had a double b'day celebration for them.
I really hope that I can make some good friends here, and that I can be of support to others as well.
I guess I've taken enough of your time for now. I really do appreciate you listening.
I'd like to thank the Admin for opening such a forum to help connect with others who know what suffering such a loss is like.
Take care,
LM |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 09/16/2008 3:30 PM |
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LM,
I'm so glad you shared your story. It must have been so frustrating and terrible to hold it inside all of this time. We are all here to support you and I hope you can find comfort in our shared losses.
You are completely right to grieve your baby, no matter how many weeks old it was. I pray that you will forgive yourself in time. You were alone and frightened. I know that God and your baby have forgiven you long ago.
I will be praying for you daily.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/16/2008 7:08 PM |
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Hello, Sharon.
Thank you so much for your reply and for your support and prayers.
Yes, I was quite scared when it happened, and that may have added to my keeping quiet. As time goes on, I realize that I probably didn't know how to tell everyone, as I wasn't sure of how to tell them when I finally did.
I do hope I can forgive myself one day. I've been told by family and friends that there was nothing else that I could have done to dispose of my little angel, but it still feels so very wrong. I'm teary-eyed right now, just thinking about it. I know the fetus wasn't alive at that point, but I wonder if it could have been and I still feel that by flusing him/her, that I killed him/her. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. It was just the wrong thing to do in my mind, but I still did it. I feel very confused about it, too.
As I've said, If I'd had taken my angel to the hospital, they would have disposed of him/her, probably in the same way, but maybe I'd have felt like I did try to do something for him/her. I just don't know.
I do know that God forgives us, but I can't forgive myself yet. With my baby being in Heaven, he/she doesn't know any pain or suffering, and I try to make myself believe that he/she didn't suffer when I flushed. It's still hard.
I really appreciate you acknowledging my seven week old fetus as a baby. Yes, that was my baby.
Thank you so much.
Again, I thank you for your support and for taking time to reply.
I look forward to passing along any support that I may have to offer as well.
I'll continue to vent to you all as I need to, which may be quite often. By just now opening up, things seem to be very fresh as times as if it just happened.
Take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 09/21/2008 7:26 PM |
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LM, I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. Glad though that you found this site and I hope you will find comfort and support.
In His love,
Karin |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/22/2008 4:03 PM |
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I appreciate your kindness, Karin.
It's been rough and I know it's not over yet, so I'll be checking in to allow you all to help me.
I hope I can return the favor.
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Leslie Westenhaver
Member
Posts: 6
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| 09/23/2008 9:27 AM |
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LM,
God Bless you and your precious angel baby. And yes, your little one WAS a baby....all 3 of my losses were at 5 weeks and they are my babies as well. Regardless of the stage of development, the moment of conception, life begins and it's your baby. I'm so sorry to hear that you've held it all inside for so long and have been grieving alone. That had to be so very difficult for you. I will be praying for peace for you and that you can forgive yourself in the very near future. God doesn't want you to live with that kind of self-torture. Your precious angel knows the love you have for him/her and loves you the same. Hoping to get to know you better here on the boards and praying for you.
~Leslie |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/24/2008 4:53 PM |
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Hello, Leslie.
Thank you so much for the kind words of support.
I'm so very sorry that you've lost three precious angels and all at five months. That must be very hard to deal with. I'm glad you're able to offer support to others.
I appreciate you and all others who acknowledge our babies as babies no matter how old they were when they grew wings.
I've had people tell me they don't think they could have made it as long as I did w/o opening up. I don't know how much longer I could have made it, and I thank God for letting me bring it out into the open.
I still cry a lot over my angel, and I do hope I can forgive myself for flushing that toilet. Several of you have told me that God and my baby angel have forgiven me. I try to make myself understand that my baby is fine and with God and my Mother in heaven, but I'm still having trouble with forgiving myself. All in due time, I hope. I really appreciate the prayers from you all in helping me to forgive myself.
You're in my prayers, too, Leslie.
Thank you and take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 09/25/2008 3:25 PM |
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LM, I think most of struggle with some sort of guilt. I struggled with the fact that I didn't do even more research and push the doctors for even more answers as I had been bleeding for 7 weeks when I lost my little girl. The worst guilt I had to face though was after her birth. My daughter was alive for 90 min and we held her during that time, but we didn't really talk to her. At 19 weeks she could hear us. I remember telling her how sorry I was but that is all I can remember. Everything was just such a blur though, it felt so unreal and of course we were in a shock - but I so regret not talking to her, telling her how much I love her. I still cry when I share that. I have since told God to let her know how much we love her, but it is something I have struggled with a lot. Guilt unfortuantely is a part of the grief process - even if we have nothing to feel guilty about. We did our best that we could at that moment and we are only humans. It can be such a heavy burden though and I hope with time you will be able to let go of it and forgive yourself.
Hugs,
Karin |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/25/2008 6:42 PM |
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Hi, Karen.
You're so right about the guilt. It stays with you and it can tear you apart.
I'm so very sorry that you're suffering guilt over not telling your baby girl all that you wanted to. Like you said, you were in shock, but I know that once your head started to clear a bit, the guilt began to set in. I'm so sorry.
God will tell her everything that you wanted to tell her.
When I put my tiny little angel back into that water and flushed, I feel that I should have, at that moment told him/her that I loved him/her and that I was sorry for what I was about to do. I know that a seven week old fetus (even if somehow alive) couldn't have heard/understood me, but I still feel I owed my baby that much. It wasn't until months later that I cried and begged my baby to forgive me and I was and still am angry at myself for not saying it back then. I'm getting teary just thinking of that moment, now.
I'll try to work on forgiving myself. I appreciate you all for encouraging me to do so and for keeping me in prayer.
I'm so glad you were able to hold your daughter. She felt your love. I know she did. I also believe that she heard your words of love from your heart through God while you held her.
Take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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