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MEND Online Forums
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Amanda Miller
Regular Participant
Posts: 12
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| 09/25/2008 5:30 PM |
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I have been really struggling this week. I feel so alone. Like everyone has forgotten what I've just one thru. I find myself tearing up all the time. At work, at the store, watching tv. Everything reminds me of what I have lost. I hurt so badly, mentally, emotionally, and psyically. I can't help but think that I won't be able to hold my son again. Not with earthly arms. I want to hold him and kiss him. I sometimes think that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But I can't help but think about how unfair it is that this happened to me. Women give up there babies all the time. And I would give anything to have mine here with me. Please keep me i your prayers.
Amanda |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/25/2008 6:17 PM |
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Hello, Amanda.
I just said a prayer for you.
I don't think you're feeling sorry for yourself. You're hurting. It's normal.
I've been crying over what others would call simple or nothing, but I can't help it.
Missing your precious son is something you'll never get over, so don't expect yourself to feel better about things at certain pace. I've read where women who've lost babies over thirty years ago or more still have moments when they cry. I'm sure it's not every day, but there has to be triggers for them that will always remain.
You're not alone, but I do know that it feels like it. I feel the same at times.
You can send me a PM if you want to vent more and if you feel comfortable in doing so. I know I'm new here, so I won't take offense if you and others will need more time to get to know me. I'm the same way.
Please take your time on healing and cry when you feel the need. It does make you feel better if only for a moment. There's no shame in shedding tears.
Here's a hug - ((((((Amanda))))))
Feel better. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Amanda Miller
Regular Participant
Posts: 12
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| 09/25/2008 8:31 PM |
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| Thank you for talking to me. I joined this site so that hopefully I could make some friends. Friends that I know feel the same way I do. Right now at this point in my life I don't see how I will ever survive this. I know that I will and that time will ease my pain. But right now I feel so hopeless. I'm sitting here crying as I type this. It feels like all I do is cry. And I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. She keeps me going. I don't know now I'm just rambling. It does feel good to talk to people who are going thru the same thing as me. |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 09/25/2008 9:25 PM |
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Dear Amanda, you are so not alone about feeling this way. Like you I know that somehow I will get through this but I definitely have days where I feel like I won't. I literally feel like I am dying - that my heart aches so much and that every breath hurts and that the tears just won't stop flowing.
Like you I have a 2 year old and so much to be thankful for. They do keep us going, but sometimes we don't really have time to grieve. They need our attention, they need us to play with them and so we put ourselves aside and I think sometimes all the pain just builds up and suddenly the bubble bursts.
I do have days where I feel okay but I sure also have times where I struggle, where I feel the sadness and darkness just close in on me. I feel as though I have fallen into a pit of despair and I can't get out. Yet somehow I do. I think when I feel like that I need to remind myself that it doesn't last.
So please know you are not alone. You do have friends here - friends who understand and relate to what you are going through. I pray that God will comfort you and will provide all the support you need. May He turn our mourning into joy.
And please allow yourself to feel what you feel for as long as you feel it. Cry when you need to, scream if you have to. Allow yourself to grieve - I believe it is the only healthy road to healing. Be good to yourself, Amanda.
In His love,
Karin |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 09/26/2008 6:23 PM |
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Amanda,
One thing I have learned on this site is that every woman has a different time table for their grief. There are triggers for sad emotions everywhere at first, but it does get better with time.
I promise.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/27/2008 1:03 PM |
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Posted By Amanda Miller on 09/25/2008 8:31 PM
Thank you for talking to me. I joined this site so that hopefully I could make some friends. Friends that I know feel the same way I do. Right now at this point in my life I don't see how I will ever survive this. I know that I will and that time will ease my pain. But right now I feel so hopeless. I'm sitting here crying as I type this. It feels like all I do is cry. And I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. She keeps me going. I don't know now I'm just rambling. It does feel good to talk to people who are going thru the same thing as me.
You're welcome.
Like you, I do hope to find some friends here. Even if I don't become very close with anyone, I do know that these women are suffering and helping one another. I appreciate them and you for that.
I hope you'll find as many friends as you need to get you through this.
Take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 10/03/2008 7:24 PM |
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Amanda,
As I read your post I feel as if I am reading something straight from my own heart. I have a 4 year old tugging at me right now to play and I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes having little ones makes it hard to find time and solitude to mourn. But, I won't complain! They can offer great joy and peace as well!
If you are looking for a friend...I would like to meet that need! I share it! Oh, I honestly don't have much time for making friends right now like I would like, but I desperately wish that were not the case! Keeping myself busy is never a problem, but I never stop thinking about where we would have been right now, in all I am doing. July 13th and September 7th of this year were our due dates (exactly 8 weeks apart). Since some time has now passed since our latter due date things are starting to be a little easier. At first it didn't seem to be that way, though. The closer I got to my due dates, the more upset I got. I was shocked at how much I was not ready to move on. I think I refused to lose my baby weight because I resented no being pregnant anymore so much. I wonder if I am the only one who did that or not!
Anyway...even though I still miss our son and what I believe was our daughter, the days are getting easier and the crying has become less physically painful ( I used to cry in a way that made my whole body ache!). Of coure, for me, I had to first straighten some things out with God. I am not saying you need to do that, but I did and once I did, it helped me to heal a great deal.
As Sharon said above, everyone has their own time table of grieving, but I do believe that one day the extremeness of your pain will pass and you will find true peace again, but be patient and DON'T let anyone tell you when that time is. I think I listened too much to other's opinion of when I should be "okay" and that only made things worse. It is a private and real walk of healing!!!
None of us will ever forget or stop loving our little ones! I believe that they will be with us forever! However, I pray you find the comfort you need in knowing that you are not alone to help you find the real peace that is waiting in the shadows!
With great understanding,
Lisa |
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