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Melissa Williams
Member
Posts: 2
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| 09/27/2007 10:28 AM |
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Hi, my name is Melissa. I have been wanting to be a mom all my life. I was so joyous to have married a wonderful man that wanted the same, and even more joyous when that test finally turned positive.
I could not have been more conscientious about what I ate and how I took care of myself until the spontaneous bleeding occurred.
My husband rushed me to the emergency room only to have them basically tell me "better luck next time" like I had lost a lottery ticket or something.
I guess the hardest thing for me is that I've been praying for a baby and while I love and trust God, and know that He has His reasons, I don't understand why He allowed me get pregnant only to take it away.
I also am having a hard time understanding why I can look all around me and see these people who do not want babies. They look at their positive test result as a curse, but manage to have happy healthy babies that come from it. Or women who smoke, drink and in general don't take care of their bodies able to full and fruitful pregnancies and me who agonized over every little thing, lost my baby.
I want so badly just to let it go and move on. I don't want to cry over this anymore, because I know that the longer I am distressed the longer it will be until I get pregnant again, but how do I let it go? How do I know in my heart that God has a plan and just let it go?? I feel like I did something wrong. That I failed in some unspeakable way and there's nothing I can do but wait for my body to continue to prove it to me by expelling the remainder of one of the most important moments in my life. I hate that this has to be so hard. |
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Melissa Stephens
MEND Moderator
Recognized Participant
Posts: 153
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| 10/01/2007 7:10 AM |
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Melissa, I absolutely understand all of those feelings you have. Losing a baby is such a huge thing to have to grieve, but when becoming pregnant is so difficult in the first place it adds a whole new grief. I used to just tell God, "Someday I know I will learn to deal with losing David, but can't you just give me another baby in the meantime?" I couldn't understand why he would take the baby I wanted so badly and then allow us to struggle so much to have another (and now struggle even more to have another). It just doesn't seem to make any sense, but I eventually had to reach a point where I could rest in Him and trust his plan for my life. Not that it isn't REALLY hard sometimes! Anyway, I just want you to know what I completely understand what you mean and it is very hard to see women who don't even want babies and seem to get pregnant so easily. Arrgh! Very frustrating.
I'm truly sorry for your loss and hope this message board is helpful for you. |
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Melissa
wife to Rob
mommy to:
David, my 1st angel in heaven - born still October 23, 2003
C.J., my angel on earth - Sept. 29, 2005
Baby Stephens, my 2nd angel in heaven - June 30, 2008
Stanley, my fur-baby - miniature schnauzer, 4 years old |
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Cassandra Cooke
Member
Posts: 1
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| 11/28/2007 2:12 PM |
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I know exactly what you're talking about. I've wanted to be a mother my entire life too. In fact I used to drive my high school career counsellor nuts when she would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I'd say "a mom".
I had a similar experience witht he hospitals where the doctor walked in and told me "I guess we start this conversation with 'unfortunately'." and proceded to tell me that I'd have better luck next time. Absolutely heartless.
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