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Brenda Aparicio
Member
Posts: 3
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| 10/01/2007 7:52 PM |
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Hello all! My name is Brenda and I was recently recommended your organization and this site, due to the recent loss of my baby boy. I am glad I'm here. I know that you all know how I am feeling right now. I try to maintain busy to not feel the pain that is in my heart. I miss him and am very sad at what could have been.
Anyhow, here is our story:
Our Sweet Angel, Nicholas David
I went in a for a regular doctor’s appointment on August 29 at 10:15 a.m. Two weeks prior to this I had mentioned to my doctor about the decreased fetal movement I had been feeling and was told that it was normal as I was approaching the end of the pregnancy and there was limited room for the baby. I once again mentioned the baby’s low movement to the nurse who asked me if and how much baby was moving at this recent appointment. She proceeded to check for the heartbeat, what she always does at the start of my visit. The heartbeat usually takes no time to find, but this morning it was different. After searching for about 30 seconds, I right away felt something was wrong. After a minute or two it was obvious, but I remained calm and hopeful. The nurse right away went for the doctor who came in quicker than usual and with the doppler searched for the heartbeat herself, but all we could hear was my heartbeat She led me to the ultrasound room without a minute to lose. For once, I was afraid to see my baby and what the ultrasound would reveal. I could tell within seconds that it, too, was unusual. There was no movement, the baby was lifeless. Finally, the words I dreaded came to my ears, “Brenda I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your baby is no longer alive.” She showed me where his heart was and how it was not at all pumping or functioning. I asked her how it could be and if there were any clues as to what caused this. She had no answers, just that by delivering the baby they’d have more answers. It could’ve been the cord wrapped around his throat, a birth defect, or something else that would not be obvious until an autopsy could be performed. I felt sick to my stomach. My legs and body grew limp. I knew I had to call my husband, Victor, and my mom, but did not feel I could physically do it. I prayed for strength and slowly made the calls to them that the baby was no longer with us and to come to the doctor’s. Then I was left alone in the room to cry and wait for them. Those minutes seemed like an eternity but went quickly at the same time. My mind was racing, but my body felt like a ton of sand had been dumped on it. The tears began then and never stopped that day. Finally, Victor arrived and the Dr. sat us both down and told Victor the same she had told me and that I was scheduled to deliver the baby that same night at 8 p.m. We left through the back door and headed home to plan the next few days. At home it started raining hard and it was just the gloomiest it could be, I felt the angels were crying for our family.
We arranged babysitting and who would take the children to and from school the next couple of days and about when we should tell them about their baby brother. I talked about the situation with friends and tried to grasp my mind around delivering my baby and being strong. There were three difficult things I knew I had to do to begin the healing process. Those were to deliver my stillborn baby, break the news to the children who’d been excitedly waiting for their little brother, and lastly the funeral. I got my hospital bag together as I had not done so yet. I was dreading the hour that I would have to go to the hospital. Even with normal deliveries one is scared, but one has an incentive to complete labor, a beautiful, healthy baby. I was about to deliver a baby that was no longer living. I was so afraid. I did not feel I had the energy or mindset to get through it.
With all in place at home, Victor and I headed out. We arrived at the hospital right on time and met my parents and brothers there. I was prepped and by 9:00 p.m. I was hooked up, in a bed and given some pills to begin dilation. I was told it would be harder as my body was not ready and I did not have the hormones from the baby that cause the delivery to progress faster. By 7 a.m. the next day I was 3 cm dilated and 80 percent effaced and had lost my mucous plug. At that time pitocin was started. By 8 a.m. I found the pains harder to endure so I asked for the epidural. The anesthesiologist was busy with a c-section, so I was given Stadol, which hit me right away and helped with the pain. My doctor came in, checked me and said baby was low. I was feeling the contractions again and around 9 a.m. I received the epidural. The rest happened very quickly and our Nicholas David was born an angel at 11:09 a.m.
All the anxiety I had felt about seeing him was relieved when I laid eyes on him. What a peaceful and beautiful sight he was. We fell in love with him. What a perfect creature of God! I felt honored to hold him for as long as I did and moreso to have carried him in my womb for eight months. All the labor was STILL worth it; to have gotten to hold this angel was such a blessing. I felt privileged. We held him and cried, Victor, my mom, and I were amazed. We inspected everything about him. He had his older brother's eyes and forehead. He had the family nose and his older sister's lips and chin. He had his daddy's hands and my feet. He weighed 4 lbs. and was 16” tall. Because of how small he was, the Dr. concluded there had been growth retardation, he was simply not growing as he should have. She said that because of his skin color and condition he had only recently passed, two days at the most. Yet, we still had no answers. There was no cord around his neck. Physically there were no visible signs of a defect. All we had left was to have an autopsy performed, which we initially wanted. However, we also wanted the body for the funeral that was to take place Saturday and the autopsy could take up to a week they said. So in the end an autopsy could not be performed, if we wanted his body in time for the funeral. We chose to lay our baby to rest in peace. We will never know for sure what exactly caused our baby to perish. And even with the autopsy it would not be entirely accurate. Along with letting us hold our angel for as long as we wanted, they gave us his footprints in plaster and in a frame. They gave us a little certificate and his little hat. They gave us a lovely white gown with a matching hat for his funeral. We have many memories of our baby’s birth.
That afternoon my best friend picked up the children from school and brought them over to the hospital. Her and my mom left the room when it was time for Victor and I to tell them the bad news. It was the most difficult thing we’ve ever had to do. We told them Nicholas did not make it and my babies cried and cried and of course asked why him and how. My nine year old son took it the hardest. He said he’d so wanted a little brother. My heart just felt so bad for them. We hugged one another and cried for a long time and Vic and I did our best to comfort them.
Saturday, was another hard day. It was Nick’s funeral. The service was held early and on the way there I looked up at the sky. One half was gray and cloudy, the other clearer with few clouds. There was a spot where the sun was in back of some clouds which created many beautiful rays of light shining down on us. It was majestic; I know that was my angel showing me the beauty that can be found even in gray skies. He let me know he was with us and that all would be okay. When we made it into the funeral home for his service I cried so hard when I saw his small white coffin and the white flowers surrounding it. And to see so many people, I could not believe it. Lots of family and friends were there to support us and that helped us so much. After the beautiful service, in which the pastor said all that I would’ve wanted to say had I had the chance, we went on to the cemetery. While we sat at his site I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the day was, the rain clouds had cleared, there was a nice breeze and it was just perfect. There the pastor said more touching words and those around us sang hymns. There was a point where Vic and I were asked to stand in front of the baby’s coffin and were told about how it was now time to let Nicholas go and give him up to the Lord, which we did. Who knew such a simple act could bring about so much peace, but it did and since then I feel better. It came time to bury him and the children gave him some pictures they had made for him, along with others’ flowers and teddy bears. We each put in some dirt over his coffin, said farewell, and that was the end. The last of the three difficult things I had to do was over. And finally all the anxiety, pain, and sadness I had been feeling were relieved.
There are many questions left unanswered about his death. There are many thoughts of what could’ve been, what should’ve been, but I’ve accepted that he was not meant to be mine on this Earth. I know I will see him again. Where he is now I know he is safer and happier. We love you Nicholas David.
Nicholas David
Born an angel on August 30, 2007
Too perfect for this Earth.
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Melissa Stephens
MEND Moderator
Recognized Participant
Posts: 153
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| 10/22/2007 5:08 AM |
Alert
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| Brenda, I am so very sorry for your loss and am glad you found our website. If you haven't done so already, you may want to post in our guestbook. My deepest condolences go to you and your family. |
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Melissa
wife to Rob
mommy to:
David, my 1st angel in heaven - born still October 23, 2003
C.J., my angel on earth - Sept. 29, 2005
Baby Stephens, my 2nd angel in heaven - June 30, 2008
Stanley, my fur-baby - miniature schnauzer, 4 years old |
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