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Katie K
Member
Posts: 8
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| 04/14/2008 11:41 AM |
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My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and struggled with infertility for the last 2 years. We finally became pregnant after months of Clomid, Gonadatropins and two IUIs. We were so excited, we were having twins, due July 4th 2008. February 1, I was diagnosed as having an incompetent cervix, had a cerclage placed and was on bed rest until March 3rd. I began having contractions the night of March 3rd and was admitted to the hospital. I was given several drugs to stop the contractions, including Magnesium(which was terrible). March 10th nothing would stop my labor, my cerclage was removed and I was immediately 5cm dilated. At 23 weeks and 3 days, Emma Catherine was born at 7:03am weighing 1 pound 6 ounces. Her brother, Alexander Jeffrey was born at 7:17am also weighing 1 pound 6 ounces. Each lived less than 3 hours. They were perfect in every way, 20 fingers and toes, just so tiny. We left the hospital that evening with empty arms.
It has been 5 weeks to the day that our children were given and taken from us. I need to know how to survive this. I have a deep ache in my chest where my heart used to be. I also feel guilty about complaining about being on bedrest, I would give anything to feel their kicks or hear their heartbeats. I'm really struggling with my faith at this point. I never prayed so hard than I did for my children, and I feel as though I was ignored. How do I create a new normal for my life? |
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Lindsey Garvin
Regular Participant
Posts: 31
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| 04/14/2008 2:03 PM |
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Katie-
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that there was something to say to make the pain go away, but there is nothing to say other than keep on praying and God will give you answers some day. I lost my twins, Grace Aubree and Jacob Thomas, on February 7, 2008 at 31 weeks gestation. I believe that you did everything you could and you wouldn't have done anything to hurt your children and you did the best you could do by being on bedrest. I wish you the best of luck with having more children in the future if that is what you choose. You are lucky that you were able to hold your baby for a short time. Lindsey |
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Lindsey Garvin
Regular Participant
Posts: 31
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| 04/14/2008 2:03 PM |
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Katie-
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that there was something to say to make the pain go away, but there is nothing to say other than keep on praying and God will give you answers some day. I lost my twins, Grace Aubree and Jacob Thomas, on February 7, 2008 at 31 weeks gestation. I believe that you did everything you could and you wouldn't have done anything to hurt your children and you did the best you could do by being on bedrest. I wish you the best of luck with having more children in the future if that is what you choose. You are lucky that you were able to hold your baby for a short time. Lindsey |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 256
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| 04/14/2008 3:08 PM |
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Katie,
There are no words to describe how lonely you may feel right now. I am still struggling with that feeling almost four months after my son Drew was stillborn at 40 weeks.
I enjoyed listening to the song "With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman.
It also helped for me to make a slideshow of the pregnancy and birth for family and friends so they could feel involved.
I loved the daily devotional book "Grieving the child I never knew". It helped me sort through some common feelings.
I'm starting to realize that there is no "normal" anymore. I'll always feel that I am missing something. We now belong to a special group of women. I have met some wonderful supportive women through my church who have been there and have helped me too.
You will come out on the other side although you will never be the same woman again. |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 04/30/2008 8:21 PM |
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Katie,
As I read your story I had to cry! I am so sorry for you loss! I understand praying harder than you ever have and not seeing the answers you want. That happened to us! Somehow, even though I struggle with my faith too, I know that God doesn't "ignore" our prayers. I have to believe that He just understands something we can't. Sometimes I feel as if I can't pray for anything anymore, but then I realize...I need Him! And that He does love me and would never want to hurt me. I really do believe this! I hope that helps! If you don't completely let go, I believe He will do the rest!
Another thing that has helped alot is MEND! I lost my Josiah on April 11th. I stumbled onto MEND by accident, but I am so glad I did! It helps to know that others know what we are feeling. If it weren't for MEND, I think I may have gone crazy...seriously! No one around me really can understand, but the wonderful women of MEND do. Thank God for those who put MEND together!
Also, please don't feel guilty for complaining about being on bed rest! I complained about how sick I was alot! I had very bad heart problems while I was pregnant and was somewhat on bed rest, I couldn't stand up without my heart racing really bad. I felt so guilty about complaining when our baby didn't make it.
Truth is though, your complaining didn't cause this and I believe anyone who has ever loved a child can relate to how you would give up everything you have to get them back. I certainly understand!
As to how do you survive? All I can say is...day by day, and through Jesus! It will take alot of tears and and pain that will eventually give way happier moments and supernatural peace, or so I have to believe.
Also, Jesus died to take away our pain...I believe He can, we just have to be willing to give it to Him. I know that one day I will be able to let go of the pain with out feeling as if I am abandoning Josiah's memory. I just don't know how, yet.
Try to take special care of yourself! If you are like me, you may be very sleep deprived. I battle with insane insomnia since I lost my baby. It is really starting to show itself in the forgetful things I do.
How is your husband dealing with losing Emma and Alexander? They are such beautiful names! I pray you can lean on each other and on God...He really does love you, even when your faith is shaky!
May you be blessed with all of the comfort and peace you can be given!
Lisa Day
Sorry I made this so long! And again...so sorry for your loss!!! |
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Katie K
Member
Posts: 8
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| 07/02/2008 12:54 PM |
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My husband stayed home with me for the first week after Emma and Alex were born. Then he went back to work and has been "fine" since. I know he is not fine, but men and women are so different! He can put his feelings away, where the entire experience is all I think about. I try to remember every detail about them, their fingernails, ears, eyelashes... It seems as though something needs to happen or I need to bring up the twins for him to think about it. We received their birth and death certificates last week. Emma lived for 3 hours and 12 minutes and Alex for 2 hours and 43 minutes. I have thought of nothing since, I didn't know the exact moment they left us, does that make me a horrible mother? They were so small and wrapped in blankets and I wasn't concentrating on their pulse, I was trying to have a lifetime of time together in a matter of hours.
Through the last year we have truely defined our "for better or worse" vows. He has never left my side, while on bedrest, in the hospital, the birth, we are bonded together through this tragedy for the rest of our lives. I've seen him cry for the first time, and was fortunate enough to see him hold our children. I too wish like so many others that we could have seen their eyes. Just to know that they saw us. I pray that they felt the love we had and still have for them. I still can't go into the nursery, who knows when I'll be ready for that. It haunts me, an empty room that should be so full of life. |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 256
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| 07/02/2008 3:38 PM |
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Katie,
I keep our nursery door shut. I go in sometimes when I have to but not very often.
I pray God's peace over you and your husband.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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