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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/05/2008 3:21 AM |
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| Hi, my name is Karin, I am 34, live in Asutralia and I am new to the forum. I lost my little baby girl Kathleen 5 weeks ago. I had been bleeding for 7 weeks but it still came as a complete shock when I at 1 am woke up and my water had broken. The contractions started right away, about a min apart. Kathleen Rebecca was born at 2.59 am March 27th at 19 weeks. She was a perfectly little baby, just born way too early, too early for anyone to try and save her. We got to hold her for 1 1/2 hour before her little heart gave up. I miss her so much and it hurts so much. Not only do I want my little girl back, but unfortunately I also dream about having a large family and I am not feeling very positive about that anymore, and it really hurts. I have one wonderful boy who is 2 and I am so thankful for him but it still doesn't make the loss less. We had been trying for this pregnancy for 15 months (incl. a 5 week miscarriage) and it was a very emotional rollercoaster that I now fear having to go through again. I fear not being able to get pregnant and I fear being pregnant... I so want to better understand God's perfect love that drives out all fear. And I want to understand why He has given me this strong desire for a large family when it just isn't happening... I want to have hope, joy and contentment. I know that right now I am the valley and that this is where I will grow, but the journey is hard. I am glad to have found a forum where you can not only share grief, but also share a common faith and foundation. |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/05/2008 3:48 PM |
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Karin,
I think we would have had close due dates, my son, Matthew died at 16 weeks--we found out March 10th. My due date was August 26. I am sorry for your loss of Rebecca, it's a beautiful name.
I pray that you will get through today and that in little ways each day gets a little easier. My understanding is that you never "get over" the loss of a child but you can manage your grief as time goes on.
I am glad you found MEND and if you need someone to communicate w/ I would be glad to do that. My answers might be sporatic as I work full time and sometimes I have had enough email at work that I don't always look. But there is comfort in others with similar experiences.
regards,
Nele |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 05/05/2008 3:55 PM |
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I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your fear of not being able to conceive again, but also being afraid of what will happen if you do get pregnant again.
It took my husband and I 18 months to conceive our only child Drew, who was stillborn at 40 weeks gestation from UCA. That was December 2007.
I am now undergoing fertility treatments and hoping to conceive soon. But there are still fears in the back of my mind.
I am praying for you.
Sharon |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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shan j
Recognized Participant
Posts: 72
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| 05/05/2008 4:59 PM |
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Karin,
It is normal to feel the way you do. Everytime I got pregnant I was scared out of my mind. I stressed myself to the point of sickness. It hurt me every month not to be pregnant. Finally I realized that I was not putting it in God hands. I knew what I was supposed to do but I let fear guide me not my love for God. He has a plan for us but it took a long time for me to see it. But he is patient and he knows what is best. Don't let fear rule you. Let go and let GOD. You and your family are in my prayers. |
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Shan
Mother to 5 Angels in Heaven |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/05/2008 9:47 PM |
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Karin,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss!!!!
I also miscarried at almost 19 weeks on April 11th. My son, Josiah, was only 15 weeks in size when I had him. We had learned when he was 16 weeks that his heart had stopped. As insane as this may sound, I was not prepared to deliver him when I did, either. I was just in so much denial and I was also praying for a miracle.
I too delivered him very fast, once I started bleeding (hemorrhaging) and it was amazing (and heart breaking) to hold his lifeless body for the hours that we did afterwards. I really feel for what you have been through!!!
We also had just had a miscarriage (at 5 weeks) right before we got pregnant with Josiah. It made me very nervous when I was pregnant to not have given myself enough time to regroup after our first loss.
Although, I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter and a brilliant 12 year old son, losing these babies wasn't any less painful.
My point is...I relate to how you feel! This has been SO hard!
Before this weekend I was going through a really deep valley (as you will be tell if you read some of my forums, I am sure). Now, however, God is lifting me out of it a bit and I have started having better days. I can do things that I could not have done last week, with God's grace.
As for having other babies, we have chosen to wait until after my due date (September 7th) to try again. I sometimes wish I could race into getting pregnant right now, but I did that with Josiah and it didn't make anything any better. This time I want to wait long enough that I am not just physically healed, but also emotionally able to try to have a pregnancy that hopefully wont be scarred by the last two (if that is possible). God says that through Him, all thing are possible! I have to believe in His word!
As you heal, He will reveal himself to you. I believe He gives us the desires of our heart. Personally I would have to believe He wants you to have that large family. Just take some time to heal, first!
I pray that God will give you peace!!! I pray that you will be able to express how you feel to those who understand and care (the women of MEND are very good at that) so that you will be able to heal more and feel God's love through others.
Be blessed,
Lisa Day |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/05/2008 10:14 PM |
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Thanks Nele, and so sorry for your loss! Yes, our due dates were very close. Kathleen was due August 20th. The pregnancy was such a rollercoaster. To be pregnant was a dream come true, but with the bleeding I was constantly swinging between being excited and being worried and telling myself not to be excited. It so wasn't meant to be that way!!! Can I ask if you plan to try again soon?
Karin
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/05/2008 10:25 PM |
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Sharon, I am truly sorry you lost your one and only son Drew. I consider myself very blessed that I have my 2 year old son Kaleb although it doesn't make the loss and the pain less. Yet, it gives me something to be thankful for it the midst of it all, and it also forces me to get out of bed in the morning and have a fairly normal day. I need to be a good mom to him.
Did you undergo fertility treatments in order to conceive with Drew or did that happen naturally? I guess I am now officially classified as suffering from secondary infertility because we have tried for more than 12 months and have not had a successful pregnancy. There is no way though that we can afford treatments... I keep hoping and praying that things will change, and that maybe nothing is wrong with neither me or my husband (we haven't done any tests so we really don't know). We should get the test results from the placenta and our Kathleen on Friday when we have our 6 week follow up appointment, and I am really hoping for answers.
Thanks for your prayers! I hope and pray you will have success real soon.
Karin |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/05/2008 10:35 PM |
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Shan, thanks for your post and your insight. I totally agree and I want to put it all in God's hands, but I just don't seem to know how... I keep telling myself to do so, but my body doesn't seem to be obey. I assume it is not an overnight process? When I was pregnant I had a lot of fear too, but I hung onto the bible verse that all things are created by Jesus - and for Jesus. So either way, the baby was his. That helped me a lot. Yet now I have a hard time accepting that my dreams may never be fulfilled. I know I need to get back into God and focus on His will, not mine be done. And I am sure I will, one step at a time.
By the way, just wanted to make sure I haven't joined the wrong forum. After all I have one son... Are everyone else here childless? I don't want to upset anyone...
Karin |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/05/2008 11:02 PM |
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Lisa, thanks for your post and your prayer. I am so very sorry for your loss of Josiah. I believe you when you say you know how I feel. I am amazed at how this experience has opened up a whole new world of feelings and emotions and being able to be sensitive to other people's loss. Unless you have experienced it, you just don't know and understand. Now I can literally visualize what other have gone through and FEEL their pain. It is an ability I have to say I would have wished to be without, but now that I have it, I dont want to disregard it. Maybe in some ways this ability or gift is almost a priviledge? Just a thought... I know that God doesn't give us more than we can bear. Even my midwife told me that after I delivered Kathleen. God must know that we are strong enough to bear this pain and to in the end use it for something good! These are just thoughts popping into my mind right now. Haven't thought them much through so forgive me if they don't make much sense. But to be able to go through this and come out as even stronger Christians in the other end, our faith must be fairly strong to begin with and God most think highly enough of us to let us go through it. Yet, is isn't about how strong our faith is, more about how strong our dependence is on God. Or is that the same?
Anyway, I think I have rambled enough here 
Lisa, I understand what you mean about waiting... I just don't think I can though. I just feel that life clock ticking away. And I miss the feeling of being pregnant. Emotionally I do feel ready. It won't hinder me from grieving properly, and I think that whether I wait or not, I will still be nervous most of the pregnancy... I think only God knows when we are ready physically. Doctors will say anywhere from one cycle to a whole year and who do you trust? I know women who miscarried and feel pregnant their next cycle (or even before however weird that sounds) and all has been fine... I just pray that God won't allow me to get pregnant until my body is ready.
I am glad you are starting to come out of the deep valley. My last couple of days have been better too. I came across a girl in church I have never talked much to and she turns out to be wonderful to talk to about my experience. She can relate to grief and is comfortable around me when I share. We need more people like that... I guess we are becoming those people.
God bless,
Karin |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/06/2008 12:13 AM |
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Karin,
Thank you for your replies to us all! You were not rambling on, though! You made sense! I apologize for how long this is (I just finished typing it...I can't seem to write a short response for anything).
Some of us do have living children. No one had ever indicated to me that we are not welcome here. In fact, I have never had difficulty conceiving (although I thought I did with our daughter), and I just recently read that this was started as an infertility forum. If anyone shouldn't be here, it is probably me. But, I have been SO blessed from the stories and replies I have gotten. I am glad that you found this forum. I pray we all help you get through this!!!
I am glad you found someone to talk to at church also! So far I have one friend who has been through two miscarriages and now has two amazing adopted daughters that God blessed her with and I think they are still trying to have more. They have been trying for over 10 years, though. I still personally believe God can do anything, and she can have her next baby naturally. It helps so much to have her!
Anyway, everyone else does seem "scared" of even hearing Josiah's name (except my immediate family, that is) and it hurt so much until I found MEND because I felt so alone. I am glad you have someone to talk to!!!! I have another friend that I thought would disown me just because she was uncomfortable with my miscarriage. I think I was wrong, but only time will tell.
By the way, I also have a childhood friend that was not supposed to have been able to be conceived. Her parents had adopted two boys a few years before they turned up pregnant with her. I believe they were in their late 40s when they had her. From what I understand her mom should not have been able to carry her to term, either. But she is now in her late 30's and is fine!
Actually I have numerous stories of "miracle babies" that should not be here today. I don't exactly understand why God moves in some lives the way I know He does, and doesn't seem to work in other's the same, but I am starting to really believe that He has a perfect reason and it is NOT to be mean or because He just doesn't care. It has been hard to get to this place, but I am certain that He has his hand in my life and what happened to us has it's purpose. "What the enemy intends for evil, God can turn to good".
For a while I couldn't really pray or read the word, but now I am starting to lean on Him again, and believe He will be there. It started when I admitted I was angry and hurt by Him, and then I apologized for being mad at Him. It helped me to open up and start feeling Him again. I had been afraid to even admit I was mad, so I couldn't say I was sorry. Once I did, it made a huge difference! I am not suggesting that is in anyway the case with you, I am just sharing what happened with me. If it is some help, great! If not,please now excuse my ramblings! (Which I often have the longest responses on here...I hate to say!)
Also, please know I was not telling you to wait! It is best that you do what you are lead to do, by all means. I will happily stand with you and pray with you that God gives you a healthy baby... quick! I do understand how you feel! I never had a real cycle before getting pregnant after my first miscarriage. I HAD to get pregnant ASAP and I did! My babies were due exactly 8 weeks apart and I was 5 weeks along when I miscarried the first time. I spotted 3 days and then I was pregnant again.
It was really hard on me, though, I have to admit!!! My body may have been ready, I just wasn't (emotionally)! I still needed to grieve the loss of my pregnancy that I had been in. Also, I lived in fear for the first 12 weeks because I was "high risk" for miscarriage for that time. Once I was release of that fear I started to relax a bit. Now I just want to be pregnant in as much "peace" and "joy" as possible. Yes, it HAS TO COME FROM GOD!!! I agree!
Again, I am so glad you are on here! I pray the very best for you and that you conceive quickly and that all is PERFECT with the baby and you! I pray that God gives you great wisdom and courage in every step of the way. PROVERBS 3: 5 & 6 says:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
I recently shared that with someone else, but God has put it on my heart to share it with you too. I hope you don't mind!
Lisa Day |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/06/2008 11:47 AM |
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Karin,
We have decided to try again. I think that putting the control issue out of our hands will be helpful. We won't use any type of birth control and let things go from there. I vaccilate (sp?) between really wanting to be pregnant again and thinking that if I do get pregnant that I will be terrified every minute. What I have decided to do if I do get pregnant is tell myself that this pregnancy is a totally different pregnancy than my last one. My friend talked me through that....I don't want to be robbed of the joy that another pregnancy will give me.
I have also decided against keeping it a secret if I do get pregnant. I think about all the people that knew I was pregnant and the loving support we got from so many. If we had been mum about the pregnancy we wouldn't have had the same support. EVERYBODY knew...we found out so early and went to 16 weeks. I think sharing the news is part of that joy thing too.
Well that's my "plan", we'll see how it pans out.
Love to you, another secret sister,
Nele |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 05/06/2008 4:04 PM |
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We underwent treatments for about a year before Drew. But it was funny because we actually conceived on the month I was taking a break from treatments!
God has a sense of humor.
We are currently trying again right now with treatments.
In fact, I am in the two week waiting period to take a test.
Sharon |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/06/2008 4:59 PM |
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I wish you the best!
Nele |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/06/2008 10:20 PM |
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As do I!!! Hang in there and try to stay at peace! I pray for the very best for you!!! Let us know when you know something...if you don't mind!!!
Lisa |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/06/2008 10:22 PM |
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Karin,
Just wondering how you are! I pray you are doing a little better. I am here for you, no matter what, though!!!
Lisa |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/07/2008 12:05 AM |
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Hi all, doing better already since I joined yesterday. I have been on pregnancy loss forums and chat rooms but this is the first Christian one I have joined and what a difference! I don't know why I didn't do that earlier. Being able to talk with others about my loss, with a Christian perspective, has already been real helpful. Since yesterday I have kept telling myself that 'God believes in me' - He believes I am strong enough to endure this. If He believes that, then I know it is true, and I will get through this valley of sorrow and loss.
Nele, I think it is such a wise decision you have made not to keep any future pregnancies a secret. We need the support and unless people know they can't support us and pray for us.
Thanks all for your prayers! They mean so much!
God bless,
Karin |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/07/2008 8:04 AM |
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Karin,
I am so happy that you are doing better! There will be times that will be easier and times when things will be hard again. I had a moment last night when I started to break down (I didn't see it coming), but God gave me the strength to pull it back together and move on. I hate when those moments hit in public! Does that happen to you ever?
Just know....we are always here for you!!!
I love what you said about God believing in you!!! That is a wonderful perspective. I knew that God didn't give us more than we could handle, but realizing it was because He believed in me was more than I had thought about, at least lately. Thank you!!! I was just on the phone with a friend and she was hurting because of something someone did to her. I am going to call her back and pass on that perspective.
It sounds as if you might be trying already to get pregnant. If so...I pray the absolute best for you and your husband while trying. Again, I am here to talk to, no matter what you are feeling (especially during the tww). I am the most impatient person I know and I hate "waiting" to find out!!!
I really know that feeling of just wanting to be pregnant again, though! I am starting to wish I could join you and Nele in trying, but I have committed to myself and my Cardiologist that I won't try until September. I have a possible heart condition that may have caused my miscarriage (it was a nightmare to live through while I was pregnant). I promised that I would give enough time to the doctor so that he can test me properly and diagnose my condition, so that if I have the same complications as I did before we can be more prepared to manage them. It could mean total bed rest throughout my pregnancy, even. That would be really hard!
I home school and we have no family here to help. I am pretty much on my own. My husband works full time and is trying to get his master's in a very difficult degree. He actually missed so much school because of my health last time that it destroyed his semester and we lost thousands of dollars and a great deal of time. It definitely was worth it if Josiah had lived, but it is hard, since he didn't. I don't want to put my husband through that again unless we are able to deliver a healthy baby. I do know...it is all in God's hands, though!
Be blessed and know you are loved by your sister's in Christ!
Lisa |
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Ana De Forge
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 05/07/2008 8:53 AM |
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Karin,
Hi my name is Ana. I am so sorry about your loss. I know that there is nothing any of us can say to take away the pain but hopefuly you can find some reassurance like I have found on this site. I lost my baby Noah on March 23, at 20 weeks. I really thought the pain would kill me but I am still alive. I pray that God will give you comfort during this time.
You are in my prayers,
Ana |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/07/2008 10:04 AM |
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Ana,
I am just a little bit a head time-wise since my miscarriage and WOW,what a difference a few weeks makes. since I started my cycle again I feel like a completely different person than I did a month ago. So much more...sane. I am still sad but it feels much more manageable now that the hormones have leveled out. I hope the same thing is (or has) happened for you.
hoping you find something to smile about today.....
Nele Rogers |
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Ana De Forge
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 05/07/2008 11:27 AM |
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Nele,
I too stated my cycle a few days ago and have mixed feelings about it. Part of me is happy my body is now back to "normal" but there is also a voice screaming in my head "this isn't happening!". But like you, i do feel more sane. I even find myself laughing at my husband's goofyness again. I feel a bit guilty sometimes that life for me has gone on and Noah's hasn't. I dont know..sometimes I still feel like I am going insane. I try not to think about 'sad' things but find that they creep in nonetheless.... |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/07/2008 2:55 PM |
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It is so strange how I can read messages from others on this board and hear echoes of thoughts and feelings that I haven't even articulated mirrored in anothers words. I understand the guilt. I even feel guilt that my days have gotten easier and that I am not in the weep-every-hour I understand the feelings of being on the edge of sane.
I want to write more, but find myself chained to the car....it's karate & gymnastics time.
More later,
Nele |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/07/2008 4:39 PM |
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Lisa, oh trust me, I experience the same as you. One day can be better, the next day can be not good at all. Like the day I had to go to church and hear the announcement that a baby had been born. I completely lost it. I was supposed to be next. In general I have experienced going through so many stages - feeling numb, feeling it was all surreal, and then have every possible emotion at the same time. I would switch back and forth between them and I would never know or have a warning about when it would happen. One day I would be okay, the next not. One minute I would be okay, the next not. So many things around us can trigger the pain and grief - someone being pregnant, a toy on the floor, even certain locations. Like I still avoid driving on the road that also leads to the hospital when I go to town. Or I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and have a flashback to sitting on the toilet at 1 am and my waters had broken. So, yes, I definitely still have bad days, and lots of them, but I now know God believes in me in spite of them. It is in the valley where we grow stronger and become better people.
If the doctors says okay on Friday, then we will start trying again. I am very nervous about it. We tried for 15 months before we got pregnant with Kathleen, and I hit an absolute low during that time. Then slowly I got myself out of the despair and 3 months later I was pregnant. I just hope I will be able to stay positive during our next try and that I will be able to focus more on God and the rest of my life - and not let the TTC become the focus of my life.
Lisa, I think it is very wise and important for you to wait until all the necessary testing is done. So hang in there, girl! Keep thinking that you are doing the best for the baby, yourself and your husband.
Ana, I am so very sorry you lost Noah. Yes, it is amazing how much grief can hurt - not just emotionally but also physically. It is like there is a big hole inside of you and it just hurts so much. It does feel like you are about to die. But we don't. And I am convinced that one day we will enjoy life again.
And yes, then it is hard not to feel guilty, when we do enjoy life or have a good day. When we haven't shed any tears for 24 hours. Why is that? I don't think our babies in heaven expect us to keep crying every day... So where does this guilt come from? The enemy?
I am thinking to myself how strong Kathleen was. The fact that she lived for 90 min is an absolute miracle. It is even a miracle that she was born alive. I am so thankful for that. It meant we had to have a funeral for her, and I realized later that although she only lived for 90 min in this world, she had a huge impact. No one at the funeral could help but not be impacted! It was so beautiful and so full of hope and God's love. She has had more impact on this world than some people have a whole (normal) lifetime! That blows my mind. I truly believe all our babies impact the world somehow.
Nele, I so understand what you mean about feeling more sane now that you are back in your cycle again. I think my cycle started last Monday (day 32). I say I think cause it wasn't quite normal - it sort of came and went. So I am not sure if it was just leftover bleeding from the m/c (I stopped bleeding on day 22) or if it was really my period - but it felt like one... Either way, it made me feel more normal again and I was actually happy that day. Strange how I was happy to see my period. That would be a first! :)
I am so glad I found this site and you all! May God bless each one of you in your journey and give you strenght and comfort.
Karin |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/07/2008 10:41 PM |
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Well,
I think everyone touched on what I have been going through today. It started out with a gut feeling of pain (the best way to describe it is as if somehow my heart has detached from my body and even though it is close by, I can't reach it. It is a feeling as if it is greatly missed and I will certainly die if it is not replaced soon. I pushed through that and even denied feeling it and all went well until I had to do some shopping at Walmart. I started out seeing a pregnant woman who looked like she probably never did anything to take care of her baby or herself (I know that is a rude and unfair judgment, but I think you would have all agreed if you saw her and her family). She looked like she was just about to deliver and all of a sudden, even though I have seen alot of pregnant women since I lost Josiah, I felt like was going to die in that line from all the pain slamming me. Then I had to go to the "hygene" isle (I am 3 weeks out and still passing lots of big clots and bleeding alot...did anyone else go through this so long?My doctor keeps saying it is normal, but it doesn't feel so "normal") for female products and I had flash backs of buying the home tests we took. I felt like my heart was sinking deeper! Then I saw a couple with a precious new born and I wanted to go up to them and say how utterly blessed they are...of course I didn't.
Oh, this all came right after I stupidly broke the statue that was in our car for Josiah's burial that we are still trying to prepare for this weekend. It is of a precious baby wrapped in an angel wing..it was perfect and out of my own clumsiness ... I broke it. It just made feel as if I had broken him, too. Is that not crazy, or what! Preparing for this very private burial/funeral is an amazing ordeal and I want to run and hide every time we start working on it. Yes, there are days that I feel truly insane. And then the next, I feel great! Those of you in Texas can relate to this..."If you don't like my attitude (level of sanity) right now, wait a minute...it will change!" for those of you who aren't...it is a spoof of our weather.
I also feel such guilt because I would rather be on this forum, than playing "animals" with Lily (my 4 year old). As much as I treasure her and want her near me, I just don't want to "play" with her when I feel this bad. I just want to be allowed to grieve and it is really hard to do when you are expected to be "Super Mom". I am so grateful for them, but I still want to be able to be"sad" when I need to be.
Also, I have the "go ahead" from my doctor(without trying to conceive) and I just don't know how I am ever going to be ready. I am about to start a birth control pill and I am angry that I am thinking about how to "not get pregnant" when all I have wanted for so long is this baby!
My husband is thrilled to get our lives back to "normal". I can't imagine "normal" right now! I am too busy trying to locate my heart and to find a way to connect it so that it doesn't kill me, when get it back.
Thanks for all of the encouraging words. You all help me feel at least understood!
Be Super Blessed!!!
Lisa Day |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/08/2008 12:59 PM |
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Lisa & All,
A neat thing happened today. I stayed home and have been working on laundry and catching up after my long week last week. I was putting up some mail in our little office nook. A corner of manilla paper caught my eye. It was a quotation that I liked that I found in my mother's apartment after she died of breast cancer 6 years ago. It has floated around since then. I didn't know who wrote and it wasn't in her handwriting--it just spoke to me.
"Nothing before, Nothing behind,
the steps of faith fall into the seeming void,
and find the solid rock beneath." (John Greenleaf Whittier)
I think that God wanted me to find that piece of paper six years ago for just this time. It's a way for my mother to comfort me. And a way that God is speaking to me that he cares. (For me and for all of you during this tumultuous time in our lives.)
I pray this gives you a measure of peace,
Nele |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/08/2008 9:55 PM |
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Nele,
Thank you! I appreciate you sharing that with us! How are you and everyone else reading this?
Today was better! I also got some very needed DEEP sleep last night (1st time since before everything happened) via a prescription. It seemed to help..some. I just wish my body would co-operate in other ways, but I will try to be more patient.
I really appreciate all of you! I pray the best for you!
God bless you all,
Lisa |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/08/2008 10:04 PM |
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Everyone,
I am sorry for "griping" so much last night on my "Wal-mart adventure". I was on my first dose of sleeping pills and I think it seemed to really open me up...not in a good way! I am sorry if anything I wrote hurt anyone else or made me sound ungrateful. I am so grateful for the beautiful children I have, and my husband! I know I am SUPER blessed. Sorry for expressing the details of my bad day!
Love to all,
Lisa |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/08/2008 10:33 PM |
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So today we had our first follow up appointment after our loss 6 weeks ago. As soon as I got to the hospital I just broke down crying. It brought back so many memories of that night. To make it all worse, you sit in the same waiting area as you do when you are pregnant. It took 1 1/2 to see a doctor so at least by then the tears had dried...
I was so nervous about whether or not there would be results from all the testing and what they would be. Well, they have no answers. Kathleen was examined both externally and internally and all looked fine plus her chromosome testing came back normal. That result meant the world to me and I thank God! My little girl was as perfect as she looked!!! Had she tested positive it would have made no difference for how we felt about her or any difference for our future pregnancies, but knowing she was perfect when others have said she probably wasn't, was so important to me. The placenta looked fine too and they found no infections. They do want to do a bit more blood testing but still don't think that will bring any answers. I had hoped for answers, something that would be easy and fixable for the sanity of my next pregnancy. I asked about my next pregnancy (if there is one...) and the doctor said that I would probably be in high risk (again) and be seen by consultants (last time was registers/trainees) but otherwise there is not much they can do... The doctor I saw today and the doctor I saw after delivery have both said that it is very unlikely it will happen again, so I am trying to hold onto that.
I feel pretty drained now. I might go relax for a bit. But otherwise I am holding in there, knowing God believes in me :)
Blessings to you all! So glad I found this place.
Karin |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/09/2008 7:09 AM |
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Karin,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that! I am happy for your "hope", though and will stand with you that you will be able to have another baby with out ANY problems!!! I understand about wanting "answers", though. Most of the time there aren't any, from what I have been told. Truthfully..only God knows why! Therefor, hold onto your faith in Him and you will understand one day! As for now, I pray you will find great peace and have a wonderful and happy pregnancy when you all are ready to do so. I really hope that as those of us on this forum become pregnant again, we will be there to lift each other up and give each other support.
Be very, very blessed!
Lisa |
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Ana De Forge
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 05/09/2008 10:48 AM |
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Everyone,
I am so disappointed we didn't get t go o the the MEND meeting last night. Hubby's job is being really demanding of him right now.
Nele, I love the quote you found. Thank you for sharing it with us. It really does seem to speak to our situations. I hope you are doing well.
Lisa, i know what you mean about Wal-mart. It seems like every time hubby and I go there I have a break down. I have to bite my lip so I don't sit down in the middle of the aisle and just cry. It seems like everything reminds me of losing Noah. The foods I no longer have to avoid, the foods that I no longer have to eat, the baby clothes that i wont have to buy. It seems like that place is always filled with pregnant woman and babies. So please don't apologize, I totally related to your story. I am glad you are feeling better and that you had some good sleep. I pray that you continue to feel better.
Karin, when I went for my follow up appointment I was there like 6 hours total with a roomful of new babies. It broke my heart even more. We have to wait till the end of June to find out the test results they did on Noah. I'm so nervous about it.I will pray for you and your family and I hope as well that you will have a happy healthy pregnancy. I will also try to adapt your wonderful thought "God believes in me"
As for me, all the docs told us about ttc again was wait 3 months. Nonetheless, I don't think I can do it again. As much as I want to be a Mom i have no faith in my body now. I feel like I am broken. I am hoping the faith returns in time. I know that this is all part of God's plan but I'm finding it really hard to just accept. As I said before, my Aunt and I announced our pregnancies the same day (Christmas day) and we were only a week apart in due date. It is so hard to see her now. I stare at her belly thinking that should be me too! And when I look in her eyes all I see is pity and I think that hurts more.
I thank God for you ladies, you've become my consulars and best friends! Otherwise, i would feel so alone.
God Bless You All,
Ana |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/09/2008 12:46 PM |
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All,
Yep, Wal-Mart just sucks now. The last time that we were there before the m/c was two days before. I allowed myself to walk through the baby aisles for the first time....my husband talked me out of buying diapers to start stocking up. I can't even look that way when I go now. And you are right, there are scads of pregnant women and babies there. I just have to pretend not to see them.
Is anyone else having trouble being around pregnant women and small babies? I physically can't handle it, I would rather pull every strand of hair from my head. I am avoiding all kinds of family get togethers b/c my sister in law is pregnant. It is a physical pain in my chest to think ab being with a pregnant woman.
And what about mother's day--does anyone else just want to pretend it doesn't exist?
Maybe it's just me that is having these irrational feelings.
NEle |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 05/09/2008 4:35 PM |
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Nele,
It definitely isn't just you. It isn't that I mind being around pregnant women. I think they mind being around me.
We have a friend who is due in late June and I think that my loss makes her feel uncomfortable. We lost Drew at 40 weeks and it brings to light that you are never "safe".
I know that everyone thinks it will never happen to them (especially with baby #1), and my situation shatters that bubble.
My husband and I are doing a memorial walk/run this weekend for Mother's Day and to celebrate our baby.
Sharon |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 05/09/2008 5:23 PM |
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Sharon,
I love the idea of doing the walk/run for Drew. We planted a beautiful Forest Pansy Redbud tree in our courtyard. It has been so healing to see it grow....I spend time out there with our "Matthew Tree" every day, it makes me happy. I hope your walk/run gives you and your husband peace for now and hope for the future.
Nele
PS--where is the walk/run? |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 05/09/2008 6:41 PM |
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Hi everyone!
I have to make this quick (aren't you glad!!!). I appreciate everyone's understanding about my ordeal at Wal-Mart. I thought I was truly going crazy!!!
I pray you all get through this weekend and are at peace after all is said and done. I wished some of you Happy Mother's Day before. Please know that I meant no harm!!! I was planning on trying to send something to each of you to let you know that I am with you at heart! I won't be able to do that most likely....but HANG IN THERE!!!
If all goes as planned, we will be burying Josiah on Mother's Day. I have mixed emotions about it, but this is what works best for our crazy schedule and I think in the long run, I will appreciate it being then. I may not check in much for the next few days. Know you all have become very close to me.
With great empathy and love,
Lisa |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 05/09/2008 7:17 PM |
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| The walk/run is in San Antonio. |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 05/10/2008 12:04 AM |
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I still struggle a lot with seeing pregnant women and newborn baby girls. And they are everywhere! I literally look the other way. Right now that is the only way I can cope when I am out and about. I do find shopping very hard. Not only because of pregnant women and babies, but all the baby items and pregnancy clothes are hard to face too. I still can't go clothes shopping. I just bought some clothes I could use for pregnancy a couple of days before I lost Kathleen and I returned it all... When I go through any clothes section my eyes still seek out clothes I could have used as pregnancy clothes and it hurts that I am no longer in need of them. So much that I won't even buy normal clothes as I am angry that I have to wear them and not pregnancy clothes.
Two weeks ago it was announced in our church of about 100 that a couple had their baby. I just broke down. We have a break for food and I had to leave during that time. I just wasn't physically able to talk to anyone, and I didn't want people to know how upset I was. I am happy for the couple, but I am also jealous, and it hurts to think that I was actually supposed to be next. The week after they showed up with the baby. It is a very sweet and thoughtful couple and they even called us in advance to 'warn' us that they were coming to church that night. They wanted to know if they should come by our place first so I could see the baby before church and cry if I needed to. I thought that was so nice of them to think of me in the midst of their happiness. I decided to wait with seeing the baby and I was determined to be fine with it and strong, and I was. But yesterday at church (yes, we have Friday night church) the girl who is next in line to give birth was doing announcements and she announced food (which we always have) and said: "yeah, it is making me really fat" and she rubbed her tummy. It really hurt inside of me...
Sharon, I hear what you are saying about other pregnant women being uncomfortable around you. I am quite sure they are, more than others. But to me it seems pretty much everyone is uncomfortable around me! They avoid the "Kathleen subject". Whether or not it is because they don't know what to say, or they think it is better for me not to talk about it, I don't know. All I know is that people I used to be close to, I feel a mile apart from, and people I barely knew before have become my most important friends. Strange how things change... I really, really need people to talk to so I have been praying and seeking and God is starting to open up doors.
Ana, take your time, sweetie. One day you might find yourself ready again, or maybe it will just happen, and you will realize you are ready because God is by your side. We are too! Going through another pregnancy once you have experienced a loss, is terrifying. I think it is important to surround yourself with people who can understand that and support you in any way possible. I completely understand what you say about feeling broken. I too feel like a failure as a woman.
Something else... Since I lost Kathleen I have been telling myself that God didn't do it. He didn't take her from me. We just live in a fallen world where bad stuff happens to everyone... But I keep hearing from people "God has a reason", "God has a plan with it", "God must have wanted her". I really struggle with hearing that. How does everyone else cope with it and feel about it? What sort of answer have you found to your "why"?
Blessings to you all!
Karin
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