Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/12/2008 9:43 AM |
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Hi Ladies,
I think I posted this originally in the wrong spot. New to the site...sorry for the mistake.
I found this website today after feeling a deep need to discuss my situation and deal with the loss of my daughter. I was reading through your messages and posts and thought that this might be a good place for me.
My name is Jenni and my husband and I lost our daughter on January 30, 2008. I carried her for 40 weeks and she was actually delivered after 21 hours of labor on January 31st which was her due date. Her name is Hope Olivia and she is a beautiful angel that I don't get to see anymore, but whom I think about every day. We have no reason for her death. There was no evidence of a cord accident, the results for all the genetic testing was negative, all my blood and heart testing was normal. We had a doctor appt. the day before and her heart rate was always in the 150-160's but the 29th of January it was 140...not sure what that means, the doctor said that was normal but it wasn't for Hope and I really wish that I had pushed harder about her heart rate being lower than normal. People said that it slows down normally toward the end...I don't know. Hope was 10lbs. 8 0z. so they talked about gestational diabetes, but I didn't have it and my sister's sons were all big babies with no diabetes link. Anyway, we have no answers and my husband and I are having a real hard time not blaming ourselves. If I had just done something differently, maybe I would be holding Hope right now. As much as people tell you not to think that way, it is almost impossible not to do.
My husband and I have wanted kids so badly and have had to go through lots of fertility treatments. Hope was the result of our first attempt at in vitro fertilization. Our blessing. Since her death we have tried a frozen embryo transfer and not had success. I am currently doing the work up for a fresh in vitro cycle, but I can't help but wonder if I am not supposed to be a parent. I mean I am a mom to Hope but she is not here and maybe she was just a fluke and her death was a sign to show me that I am not supposed to have a live child. I don't think that I really believe that because I consider myself to be a wonderful caregiver, aunt, godmother...I am a teacher and I have dedicated my life to children...and all I have ever wanted was to have tons of children. So why? Why is all this negativity and sorrow happening?
My husband and I are really strong people and we have faced adversity our whole lives and we have managed to make it through and be happy. But we are having a real hard time with this one. Why do we not have our Hope with us? Why was our angel taken from us? I try to believe that it happened this way to cause her less pain and I try to find peace in that...but it also is sooo hard.
We have wonderful doctors and great people surrounding us to help us get pregnant again and we are doing everything in our power to bring Hope some brothers and sisters. At the same time we see people around us having such and easy time getting pregnant and delivering live babies. Life is so not fair!
Thanks for listening!
Jenni
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 06/12/2008 3:36 PM |
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Jenni,
I am so sorry to hear that you lost Hope. I can't imagine the feelings you are experiencing without answers about her death.
Was she stillborn? Or did it happen after birth? I'm sorry to ask but our stories are somewhat similar. I lost my son at 40 wks in December 2007. It was a cord accident. It was also on my due date.
I am also prepping right now for a fresh IVF cycle. I really hope this works for you. I do not have any living children and want to have a baby sleeping in the nursery right now!
This site is awesome for support. There are so many wonderful Christian women who will lift you up and listen to your struggles.
God bless you. |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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MaryKate Lofredo
Regular Participant
Posts: 16
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| 06/12/2008 3:49 PM |
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Dear Jenni,
I am so sorry for your profound loss. Words are inadequate, but my thoughts are with you.
MK |
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MaryKate Lofredo
Mommy to six angels
Two on earth: Louis Edward (7/24/05) and John-Gabriel Alonzo (11/13/06)
Four in heaven: 7/99; 7/03; 03/04; 06/08/08 |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/12/2008 3:55 PM |
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Hi Sharon,
Hope passed away on the 30th...we went to the hospital because I didn't feel her moving. They did an ultrasound and found no heartbeat. They don't know why! Right away they prepped me for induction and so I went through 21 hours of labor and then at 4:30 on the 31st she was born...so yes she was stillborn. Never got to see her beautiful eyes, but she was the most beautiful angel I have ever seen.
Its so hard to be trying the in vitro again because I can't help but think that this could happen again. With it happening so late to us, its like there is no relief or some point that we can feel that we can safely get passed and then feel ok...this is all just so messed up and so stupid. I am still real angry and having a real hard time dealing.
Not that I would wish this on anyone but I have yet to find another person that is facing exactly what we are going through. Its so nice to hear from you and to be able to identify with you. I am not trying to offend anyone, and I would never wish that anyone lose a child but to have to face the difficulties of infertility and then to be faced with the death of a child and then to face infertility again often feels unbearable. I feel for you and I will pray for you often. Do you have a retrieval and transfer date set? Keep me posted.
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 06/12/2008 5:01 PM |
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Jenni,
I wish so bad that I could have seen Drew's eyes. I never thought about telling anyone else except my husband, but you just echoed my desire. I was afraid to force them open because they probably wouldn't look normal.
Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot because I never worried about a decrease in movement. I just went in to the doctor to prep for induction and then they found no heartbeat. I had no idea anything was wrong. I did mention to the nurse and doc that I hadn't felt much movement since my last appointment (2 days earlier) but I thought that was normal at the end of pregnancy. The day before was Christmas Day and I was so busy and excited to see my baby the next day. I never thought it would turn out like it did.
I don't even think it really hit me until after the funeral. I was on auto pilot during the induction and delivery. I was just focused on doing what I had to do and honoring my baby. Fortunately, my labor was quick (thank God) and my son was only about 7 lb. I recovered very quickly physically. The emotional recovery has taken longer.
I don't know if I will ever feel "safe" again. I envy the women who go through pregnancy in "blissful ignorance". They think that nothing bad will ever happen to their baby (just like I did). I have met some wonderful women through a support group at my church in San Antonio. One of them was due on the same day as me (December) but her son died of SIDS in late February. Now I know that even if I give birth to a healthy, living child that there is still a chance that they will die before me. There are two ways to deal with this fear.
1. I can give in to the fear and live in a panic for the rest of my life at what could happen. (This is exactly what the Devil wants us to do.)
2. Or I can accept that I am not in control and live each day with the joy that it brings and enjoy each moment.
Which one will I choose? I pray to God everyday that I will choose the second option. I know there will be anxious days during my future pregnancies but I can't let that fear control me. The Bible is clear that fear and worry just drive a wedge between us and God. Also, I would regret it if I didn't take the time to enjoy the next pregnancy. (I refuse to believe that I will not have another child. I am standing on God's promise that He will bless my family. I am holding Him to His word. He wants us to believe with all our heart in His goodness and mercy.)
We don't have a retrieval and transfer date yet. Right now I am taking b/c pills and will start the Lupron on June 29. I have an ovarian cyst that we are trying to shrink before starting active treatment. I thought we would be farther along than we are but God's time is not always my time. What about you?
I'm glad you've found a similar story. It really does make you feel as though you are not alone.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/12/2008 9:29 PM |
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Sharon,
I know that she looked a lot like me and a little like my husband, but it would have been so cool to see her eyes. I also think that it might have been harder, so that is probably the reason that I was not able to. Hope had a lot of her skin missing and was real red in spots, I am told because of being in the fluid without life for a day or so. Did you hold Drew? I held Hope for 3 days straight and had a real hard time letting her go. I slept in the hospital with her real tight next to me and I miss that so much. I still wake up at night crying and have nightmares of the ultrasound that told us she had passed.
My labor was real hard and they almost had to do a c-section. I had third degree tears and many stitches. I did not want to have an epidural but they talked me into because of the amount of pain caused by the high levels of pitocin and the pill that they inserted to help me eface. My doctor was wonderful and stayed by my side for most of the time. Hope didn't want to come out and he ended up having to use forceps and a nurse standing on a ladder pressing on my pubic symphisis to get Hopey out. It was horrible. One of the hardest parts was that I ended up with a spinal headache that pretty much incapacitated me and I ended up back in the hospital a few days later to have a blood patch done. I ended up having to go in the room where they did the ultrasound. It was so painful and I am scared to death that I will have to go in that room again in the future. I want to believe that our little angels won't ever let us feel this kind of pain again, but at the same time I feel like that is a lot to expect from Hope and Drew. I just want to see her so bad.
My husband and I were driving past a graduation tonight and it just hit us that we will never get to see our 1st baby daughter graduate or hit any of those milestones...how much does that suck?!?!?!
As for my in vitro cycle...I am taking the birth control and I start lupron on the 17th of June. We are looking at a retrieval of around 7/10 with a transfer of 7/12 ish I think...so you and I will be very close in our in vitro cycles and hopefully our successful pregnancies. I am very hopeful that this will work for both of us. If you don't mind me asking, did you do in vitro to become pregnant with Drew? Just curious. Have you done any frozen transfers?
I walk into Hope's nursery and just long for a baby to be there. It is filled with pink everything and tons of stuffed animals and tons of clothes just longing to be worn...it really just seems so unfair. Mine and my husband's faith is definitely being tested right now and I am doing everything in my power to believe that she is where she is supposed to be and that God accepted her into heaven, not brought her there, meaning that he is not the reason that she is there but he has graciously accepted her and gave her a wonderful place to be until we meet again. Ugh this is soooo hard, but also feels so good to get out. I am just so angry. We were in counseling for a while but my counselor had to leave for personal reasons and I don't want to start all over...
I have rambled way tooo long and I am sorry. I will be thinking about you and praying for you and your husband. I hope that Hope and Drew will find each other in Heaven!
Thanks for your time!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 06/13/2008 5:07 AM |
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Jenni,
Drew also had a few spots with broken down skin and his lips were blood red. It looked like he had on lipstick. His skin wasn't red though. There were also places where the skin was saggy almost like there was no muscle/fat underneath it. I was told that it is all due to the fluid as well.
I only held Drew for probably 30 minutes. It's hard to remember details because of the drugs and also shock. Maybe some memories will come back with time. My husband held Drew for a long time. Our families also held him for a while. We only had him for about 3 hours total though. I did not have a hard time giving him back to the nurses because I felt like he wasn't in there. My husband had a harder time since that was his first physical contact with him. I felt like I had been holding him for nine months.
I can't imagine going through the horrific labor you endured. Everyone was praying for me to have an easy labor once we knew he was gone. My mom had pretty quick and easy deliveries so it may have also been genetic. Plus he was so much smaller than Hope.
I understand what you feel about missing milestones. My cousin and his wife live close by and we were pregnant together. Their daughter would have been 8 weeks older than Drew. We see her often and it reminds me of all the things he would have been doing. Right now she is getting ready to crawl and it is so cute! They were supposed to be playmates but now she plays alone.
This will be my first IVF cycle. Drew was conceived with no assistance, but we had been on Clomid for a year prior to that cycle. We were waiting for a cycle before we started injectables and IUI. So we were very surprised to find out we were pregnant. I thought he was definitely a miracle and a sign from God. Since his death we have done one IUI that was unsuccessful. We have both female and male factor issues. I have PCOS.
Our nursery is gender neutral because we wanted Drew's sex to be a surprise. I am glad because now we can use it again either way.
I went to a counselor twice but didn't feel it helped. My husband has never been to talk to anyone. Maybe in time....
I really get the most help from this site and my church group.
I am glad that we can support each other through the upcoming IVF cycle. And I'm sure Hope and Drew found each other in heaven.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Bea Villegas
Regular Participant
Posts: 12
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| 06/13/2008 10:54 AM |
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Dear Jenni and Sharon,
I just wanted to say thank you for both your insights. Sharon, I will definitely pray every morning that I take option 2. I will try not to let fear and worry overtake me and I like how you explained your process of dealing with that. Jenni, How strong you are for sharing and being abe to write exactly how you feel. I have posted on this site as well and responded but don't feel I can ever sum up what I have to say in just the right way. Probably because I'm thinking too much instead of writing/saying what I feel.
My fingers are crossed and my prayers go out to both of you with IVF and hoping that everything will go well and we'll be hearing about two successful pregnancies soon.
Thanks again,
Bea |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/13/2008 11:41 AM |
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Hi Bea,
Wow...Lucy is such a beautiful name...and she is lucky to have you as her mommy. I do hope that you are able to get the paperwork changed. That is one thing that I had a real hard time dealing with because Hope was stillborn was that in PA where I live, she was not able to have a birth certificate. They will issue me a death certificate but to me that doesn't make sense...how can someone that you don't recognize as being here have a death certificate?
I am really sorry for your loss and I hope that you are surviving...I know that it is soo hard and unless you have been through it there is not way to even comprehend the pain.
Have a great day!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Jennifer Blahnik
Regular Participant
Posts: 28
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| 06/13/2008 4:33 PM |
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Hi Jenni -
I read your story yesterday and today is the first day that I could respond, although I have been thinking of you. I'm so sorry that your little Hope is not in your arms right now. It isn't fair and everyone on this board knows how you feel.
The one thing that really hit home to me was what you said about her eyes. The morning after our son died, I told my husband how glad I was that I couldn't see his eyes. His little eyelashes were hard enough. I don't think I could be coping at all right now if I were able to look at his eyes while he was dying. He only lived for one hour and he died in my arms. Giving him up that night was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it still takes my breath away when I recall handing him over to our nurse. My heart breaks over and over again when I put myself back in the u/s room and the doctor so matter of factly telling us that our son would not survive outside of me.
I don't know how it is to have to endure IVF, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it's not easy. I am confident that each pregnancy is completely different and for me I know that our next baby will be safe and sound. Their older brother is watching over them already even before they are conceived. I feel the same for you.
As for now, all you can do is miss her and love her, but most of all honor her life. Being a member on this board will help you to get through the rest.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Jennifer
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/13/2008 4:56 PM |
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Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for your thoughts...I have found myself drawn to this site since I found it yesterday and it is very helpful but it is also very sad. Reading all this stories is real difficult but a good thing because I don't feel alone anymore. Do you ever just feel like no one else around you understands?
I have 3 nephews, one would have been real close in age to Hope and I love them to death but it is so hard to be around them right now because I am pissed that I can't have Hope there. It also makes me mad because my 5 yr old nephew tells me how much he misses Hope and wishes she were here and I love it, but my sister tells him to be quiet. I try to explain that doesn't hurt and if anything it is awesome that this little innocent child knows what I need to hear, just that he misses her is so comforting. When you feel like others forget your daughter or don't talk about her it hurts and the fact that my nephew does is awesome!
Anyway, I read your story when I first registered and I couldn't respond right away. I love the picture of Blueberry's feet and I especially love his name. I think in a way I always knew Hope was a girl, so I pretty much called her Hope from the beginning...we also called her our lil monkey and lil poopiebear...I know...silly. I had an ultrasound picture of Hope's feet that was a perfect lil shot like the one you have of Blueberry's...so cool.
I am glad that you are going to be trying again...it is so difficult, but I truly feel that I and maybe you feel the same, will not be able to relax for a minute until I have a baby in my arms...
Thanks for your thoughts and I hope that I can be as supportive as others have been for me on this site.
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 06/13/2008 5:01 PM |
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Sharon,
I've been thinking about you a great deal. IVF can be very scary and difficult. I have been through it once already so if you need to talk about anything, don't hesitate. I am here for you!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 06/13/2008 8:37 PM |
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Jenni, I only just now read your story and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Life is so not fair! I hope that you will find much needed support here. Personally I am so thankful that I found this site and have others to share with who knows and understand, but also have faith and hope. It can otherwise be a very lonely experience. Outsiders do not understand the pain and the sadness and it seems they won't accept it either. They want to fix it. But there is nothing wrong with being sad and missing your daughter! It would be wrong if we didn't! I had a lady at church yesterday hand me a 2 page letter filled with bible verses. I know she just wants me to be happy because she is eternally happy, but I know I need to travel the road that God has for me and right now this road is going through a valley where I will learn and grow through pain and grief. I am not leaving this valley prematurely - even if others keep pushing for it.
Just want you to know that we are here for you on this journey that you are travelling, and that you are not alone. We know and understand and feel your pain. We can't fix it, but we can slowly help you through it.
All my love and God bless,
Karin |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 06/13/2008 8:50 PM |
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| Sharon, thanks for sharing your wisdom about dealing with fear. I hope and pray that I too will follow #2! |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 06/26/2008 11:04 PM |
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Jenni, I am so sorry for your loss! Hope is such a beautiful name and I pray that her name will remind you of what God has for you, once you are able to see it that way. I know how hard it is to let go of our angels. I am amazed that you were able to hold her for so long. My heart goes out to you!
Sharon, I have missed my communications with you and I appreciated choice#2 (as did others) . I, too, pray that I will learn to choose it more often. I have to admit, I haven't done that much lately. As I was driving home from burying Josiah (a very long story I may share one day) I was thinking these exact same thoughts. See, I live in utter panic about everything (or so it feels) right now. I was hearing God speak to my heart and show me how much of my life is wasted on worrying (I even worry if I worry too much...goodness!!!) Then, I heard a song that is about a young man named Drew (it is just the name that reminds me) and thought of you. It was hard to hear both of your stories, but it was helpful on many levels, too. I am so sad for you both, but also anxious that you will find joy and peace in the upcoming months. I pray you both are blessed with beautiful, healthy babies!
God bless you,
Lisa |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 06/27/2008 4:32 AM |
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Lisa,
I have really missed your postings on this site. I have been worried about you and I am so glad to hear from you again.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 07/01/2008 12:48 AM |
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Jenni,
I responded to you in another forum and remembered your story, but forgot that I had already responded to it here. Sometimes I get a chance to read something, but not a chance to respond. Please don't be offended that I responded as if it were the first time. My brain is very fuzzy these days! I have a heart condition that is playing MAJOR havoc with my brain (called POTS) and I forget so much. Also, it is almost 3am here and that doesn't help. I have to get on here so late because it is the only time that I get any "privacy" on here. I feel quite awkward when my in-laws are watching me and I am reading and responding. This has to be an "alone" thing for me to feel safe to share. Anyway, SO VERY SORRY!
Lisa |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/01/2008 6:51 PM |
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Hi Karin and Lisa,
Thank you both for your responses...all the thoughts and good wishes really do help...I have been in a real dark place lately...may be all the hormones from the IVF process...procedures will be very soon and we are praying so hard that they will work...I need some brightness right now...I guess things are also so hard this right now because I was pregnant with Hope this time right now last year...
I am thinking about both of you right now and praying that you are finding peace and strength in your lives...
Lisa, I am thinking about you and praying that your heart condition does not cause pain...I don't know much about it and I have you in my thoughts
Thanks
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 07/02/2008 1:59 AM |
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Jenni, sending you a big hug and praying that God will shine some brightness your way. I know how much you need it! With all that is going on it is no wonder you are at a low state. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can go through what we are going through - the loss of a child. May God give us all strenght and comfort and peace and joy.
Love and hugs,
Karin |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 07/02/2008 1:59 AM |
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Jenni, sending you a big hug and praying that God will shine some brightness your way. I know how much you need it! With all that is going on it is no wonder you are at a low state. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can go through what we are going through - the loss of a child. May God give us all strenght and comfort and peace and joy.
Love and hugs,
Karin |
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Angie Cook
Member
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| 07/02/2008 1:18 PM |
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Jenni,
I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. My precious baby Wyatt was stillborn May 20th, 2008, he was 38 weeks.
I understand what you are going thru, it is very hard not to blame yourself. Wyatt was a big baby too, he was 11 lbs 8oz. I didn't have gestational diabetes either. I wonder sometimes if I would have eaten better and if I would have not been so overweight when I got pregnant maybe this would not have happened. But I have realized that we can't dwell on the what if's. It is the devil trying to get us down. God will not give us anything we can't handle, though it may be the hardest time of our life, we will get thru it! I thank God every day for the time I had carrying Wyatt. It was the best experience of my life.
What has brought me this far is "hope" what a great name might I add. Have hope and faith in God Almighty. He loves you and has a plan for you with so much happiness. I truly believe that, don't give up hope, Jenni.
Take Care and God Bless
Angie
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/02/2008 8:46 PM |
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Hi Angie,
I am so sorry for your loss...I wish I could tell you that it gets better with time but unfortunately I haven't felt that way. Wyatt is a beautiful name and I will tell Hopey to look for him in heaven and show him around a bit.
Did you have any fertility stuff to get pregnant with him? I hate the fact that we have no answers as to why Hope was stillborn and it sounds like you have no definites either. This site does help a great deal and its kind of nice to feel like you are not alone...and believe me you are not. If there are any questions that I can answer for you, please don't hesitate to ask. I am sure that you are experiencing many different thoughts and feelings and if you would like I would try to help you with them and give some perspective. You are in my thoughts and prayers and again I will tell Hopey to find Wyatt and show him the ropes...
Thinking of you at this difficult time!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Angie Cook
Member
Posts: 7
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| 07/03/2008 4:12 PM |
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Jenni,
I am sure Wyatt and Hopey are having a blast in heaven. Wyatt too had skin missing, the nurse that cleaned him up said he had so much varnex on him that when she was trying to get it off his skin came off too. Wyatt and Hopey were little butterballs  they had the same chubby cheeks, so cute!
No we didn't have any fertility stuff to get pregnant with Wyatt. I thought I was infertile for a while because we didn't use any protection for about 4 years and didn't get pregnant during that time. Well I had lost about 40 lbs last year and then I got pregnant with Wyatt. So I do believe that the weight was an issue for me.
I am sorry you have no answers as to why Hope was stillborn. My pregnancy was full of mountains that we overcame. Wyatt had an AV canal heart defect and a stomach blockage and some kidney enlargement. We had met with the heart surgeon and stomach surgeon that would be doing his surgeries after he was born. They gave us hope that everything was going to be ok. We had a 1 and 2 chance that Wyatt had down syndrome. We didn't want an amnio done because that is too risky and I didn't want the risk, I loved him no matter what and we were going to provide for him no matter what. And on May 20th he passed away, I felt his last kicks, and they were so hard I kind of knew what happened. But before his last kicks it was like I had butterflies in my stomach, the movement was so calm and fluttering and peaceful like nothing I had ever felt before. I think that was God taking him. I know it was.
So anyways I had my 6 week checkup today. and we found out that he did have down syndrome. We also found out that we are not carriers PRAISE GOD. I have been so scared that maybe my husband and my genes aren't compatable and that is what caused his birth defects, and what caused my miscarriage 6 years ago. Because my Dr couldn't find any physical markers when he was born relating to downs, other than the heart and stomach defect.
So we get to try again in 6 months. I am excited but scared to death too.
Are you TTC now? I pray all goes well for you!! You are in my prayers!
Angie |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/04/2008 9:57 AM |
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Hi Angie,
John and I are doing IVF right now...our egg retrieval and transfer will be next week sometime...had an ultrasound yesterday and I have lots of eggs maturing...last time they retrieved 24 and it looks like it will be around the same amount this time...we are praying so hard that it works this time and that we have a live baby...
They were little butterballs weren't they? My mom had a hard time with Hopey's skin missing, but it was better for me, because other than that she looked like a perfect little baby and that nothing should be wrong and yet she was not alive.
Did you get to or chose to hold Wyatt? John and I feel the same about the whole amnio thing and wanting any baby and loving it the same regardless...My brother is mentally retarded and they pushed and pushed for us to have genetic testing done and we refused because we felt that we would take care of any baby and if it was not meant to be and the baby would not be able to survive, then God would take care of it...we really didn't think that anything would happen though. They didn't find any genetic stuff or anything with Hopey so we don't have any answers and that sucks...Did they give you any answers with Wyatt...was his passing because of the stomach and heart stuff?
That is a real good thing that you are not carriers...will you and your husband try again in 6 months? How are you doing emotionally? How is your husband doing? It is all so hard...and there are some very hard days...if you ever need to talk or just vent, feel free to email me...I think you can just go to my profile and email me...I am praying for you and I am sure that Hopey and Wyatt are having a blast sliding down rainbows, bouncing on clouds and keeping God on his toes...hehe
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Angie Cook
Member
Posts: 7
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| 07/05/2008 5:23 PM |
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Jenni,
I am praying with you that your IVF works and that next year you will be holding your live healthy baby in your arms!
We had an autopsy done on Wyatt and the results aren't in yet. My Dr said it could take up to 6 months. We are figuring that it probably was his heart, a couple weeks before he passed they found an irregular heartbeat. It would slow down really slow and then start back up beating fast again. My Dr called the cardiologist and she said it was normal, but I have my reservations believing that, I wonder if they would have induced me then he would be alive today. I don't know though for sure. They were trying to keep him in me as long as possible because of all his health problems that was the best for him.
We are doing good emotionally, I do cry everyday for him, and probably will forever. I am relieved in a way that he doesn't have to go thru any pain and emotional pain from how people are these days. My csection was painful enough and i am 28 years old, just imagine a baby going thru a stomach surgery and then a heart surgery. it just makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. but we would have been there for him every step of the way. no matter what!!!!
We will start trying again in December, I need to get my health under control these months now, I had high blood pressure with him and was on medication and I don't want that this next pregnancy. plust i need to be several lbs lighter as well because the extra weight that i did have on was not as easy as i thought it would be.
Yes we did have time to hold him. The best and worst time of my life. Ben my husband got to hold him right after they delivered him in the operating room. Then they cleaned him up and i got to see him and hold him when i was in recovery.
We spent about an hour and a half with him. he was precious and it didn't bother me that he had skin tears, he was beautiful no matter what. he looked alot like my husband, he had my chubby cheaks and my feet. he had bens fingers and facial features. i have never been so happy and sad at the same time. just to see the miracle we created was just amazing.
We had him cremated, we bought some necklaces that you can put some of his ashes in. my husband and i wear them every day it helps because he is physically with us as well as spiritually.
Are you going to have any testing done this time around with this next pregnancy? We probably will do the blood test they offer and have the 14 week nucheal fold ultra sound measurement done but thats it, nothing invasive. like you we believe that no matter what we will love the baby and will have faith in god that it will turn out.
I will be praying for you this week that everything works!!!! Did you do IVF with Hope too?
Take Care :0)
Angie |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/05/2008 6:47 PM |
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Jenni,
I am praying for your retrieval and transfer this next week. Please keep me updated. I take my last b/c pill tonight.
It sounds great that you have so many eggs maturing. I pray that they get plenty of healthy eggs that will fertilize and divide perfectly!
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/06/2008 12:40 PM |
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HI Angie,
wow, hearing the stuff that you went through and the things that you are doing now sound so familiar. Hopey was cremated and I have a necklace that you can put ashes in, I also carry some of her ashes in a pill bottle in my purse. When John and I go away for the weekend or even a day trip we always bring her box of ashes along with us. I also carry her bear that they gave us at the hospital, I think it is in her picture on our profile. It is always with me and it helps me sleep at night. There were so many nights that I would wake up in tears because I would revisit finding out that she had passed.
We chose not to have the autopsy done because they said that they most likely wouldn't find anything...They mentioned something about a clot and that it could be anywhere and they may not be able to find it.
We did do IVF with Hope, it was our first cycle. We had done a couple IUI's that didn't work and then we were so eager to get pregnant that we said forget it and went right to the IVF. After Hope's death we did a frozen embryo transfer that didn't work and so we went ahead with the fresh cycle. We just want babies so bad. We are both 33 and want lots of kids, although we would give that up to have Hope back...but I try to be at peace with the fact that she is healthier up in heaven and happy.
We had another ultrasound today and we have 15-20 eggs maturing in each ovary so looks like we will have a good retrieval. They will take the eggs out on Tuesday and then put 2 of the embryos in on Friday...we are praying so hard that this works!
I am glad to hear that you are in a good place emotionally and it sounds like your husband is doing well himself and that you are both supporting each other. Thats a big plus, so many times this kind of tragedy takes its toll on a marriage.
As for the extra lbs., I can totally identify. Because I was so depressed with all the fertility stuff last year and the fact that the meds help put on the pounds, I gained 45-50 lbs right before I got pregnant. It sure didn't make getting around any easier. And then the fact that she weight 10 and a half pounds I am sure didn't help either. I was working on some of the weight off, but I can't get down that far before having another baby. I will concentrate on that whole heartedly when I have a baby in my arms.
As for testing, I don't think that we are going to do any of it...My doctor did say that even though I was not considered gestationally diabetic, that he would have me test my blood sugar throughout the pregnancy. He did a test called an A1C after Hope was born and it was slightly elevated...that could have been because I was not fasting...My tests during the pregnancy did come back normal , but I guess my doc is just being protective.
Thanks for your good wishes and prayers...I will be sending the same your way. Keep me posted on what they find if anything on the autopsy.
Did you have a funeral for Wyatt? We had a service for Hopey...the whole experience like you said with Wyatt, was the best and worst of our lives.
Take care and talk to you soon!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/06/2008 12:46 PM |
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Hi Sharon,
We had another ultrasound today and we have 15-20 eggs maturing in each ovary so looks like we will have a good retrieval. They will take the eggs out on Tuesday and then put 2 of the embryos in on Friday...we are praying so hard that this works!
How have you been doing on the b/c pill...I hated them, they make me crazy?! So I guess you have already started the Lupron...and will be starting the stim (gonal F or menapur) within the next week or so????
It is hard, but definitely worth it...is everything going ok with you?
Thanks for your prayers...I am sure that they will help!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/06/2008 1:13 PM |
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Jenni,
Things are going well. I don't really feel different on b/c pills. I have been on Lupron for a week and haven't had any side effects of that either. Praise God!
I start Gonal F on Friday. I'm glad to hear you are doing well and the retrieval sounds like it will be a great success! I am keeping you in prayer.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/11/2008 7:58 AM |
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Jenni,
How was your retrieval and transfer?
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/11/2008 2:20 PM |
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Hi Sharon,
Everything went real well...our retrieval was on tuesday and they got 32 eggs...lots and lots...thats why I felt like I was soooo bloated
Then the transfer was today...we had lots of real good embryos to choose from...they froze 5 right away and then they cultured the remaining...they chose 2 of them and transfered them in this morning...
I am trying to be real hopeful and I am thinking very positively...we find out on th 21st...
thanks for asking
How are things going for you...keep me posted when everything is happening for you!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/13/2008 3:37 PM |
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I'm really hoping for the best for you guys. I hope on the 21st you hear good news. I will pray for you and your embryos. Isn't that funny to hear. I'm fairly new to this site, so I just never thought I would say something like that. But I really hope this turns out for you and for Sharon. Good Luck 
-Jessica |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 07/15/2008 9:32 AM |
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Thank you Jessica...We could use all the prayers that we can get. I am really sorry for your loss and I know how hard that every day can be. Just when you think you are doing well...something comes on the tv or someone says something and you feel like you have just been smacked in the face...
If you don't mind me asking, did you have fertility issues when trying to get pregnant? Will you be trying again?
I hope that you are doing well and remember that our angels are having a blast in heaven and we will see them someday.
Take care,
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 07/15/2008 11:23 AM |
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Well, my husband and I decided that when we got married that we should just see what happened. If I got pregnant then I got pregnant and if not then no big deal for right now. When I got pregnant we had been married for about 1 1/2 years. Then when we lost the baby, we talked about actually trying and my husband wanted to keep doing what we were doing, just seeing what happens. I am still in school, I decided to go back to school after we got married and I have three semester left. So timing wise it is not a good time, but it is really hard every month we i get my period or right now, when i'm late and get all my hopes up and take a test and it comes back negative. So I don't know if we really have infertility problems. We probably do, I just keep saying that we are not "really" trying hard right now. I know that God has a plan for all of us, but sometimes I just wish he would just tell us what that is. I'm not the most patient person in the world, so not knowing is really frustrating. But like I said, we really need to wait until I'm out of school to be hard core about trying. I don't want to try anything different until i'm out of school and logically I should be content not having a baby until then, but it is hard because I really want one. It just isn't the right time. So we will see.
I really hope everything you are doing works out. I'm really new to the procedure you are doing. I'm new to this site and haven't really heard of or really know a lot of the things some people are doing. But I'm starting to learn. Thanks for putting yourself out there for people like me to learn about some of the options out there.
Thanks
-Jessica |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/15/2008 4:07 PM |
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Jenni,
How is yout tww going? Are you dying to find out?
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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