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Bea Villegas
Regular Participant
Posts: 12
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| 07/29/2008 2:48 PM |
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Hey girls! It has been a while since I have been on here but only too short since the loss of Lucy. I did find out that Lucy had an infection in utero -- chorioamnionitis. My doctor said that it does happen. Has this happened to anyone else? As for the chormosomes they sent to be tested, I have no answers. The lab said that it was inconclusive. What an answer. I have an appointment with my doc in two weeks to go over my hospital chart and the lab result for the chormosomes. Hopefully this will aid in the closure of questions that run through my mind.
It has now been a little over two months since we lost Lucy and it now seems harder to deal with her loss now than it was before. I am crying more and sad more and wish I could just hold her again. I wish I could carry her to term like my three other children and welcome her to the family. I know that she is well cared for as she is with Jesus. BUT I am still sad, mad, angry, hurt, hurting, confused...
Everything seems to be more difficult to deal with. For example, I knew that my neighbor across the street was pregnant. Well, a couple of weeks ago my next door neighbor was outside and I notice a growing belly as well. Then two days later the other neighbor across the street was showing as well. Just today I look outside and the neighbor across the street 4 doors down is pregnant too. That was supposed to be me. Two moms who have kids in the 2nd grade are pregnant as well. Ugghhh!!! I wonder what I am supposed to do with this information.
My d/h has been working like a dog lately. I know it must be hard for him because he has not had time to grieve but now it seems he wants me to be not so sad all the time. I get mad at this but know I shouldn't be.
Why is it that reality is going forward? I am trying to do this but I still get sad when I see...well it could be as simple as seeing a picture, one of the only pictures, of me actually showing. It was just after Mother's day and right before we lost Lucy.
Ohh...how have you guys coped as the days go on?
I know that there is hope out there. I get signs all the time. Yesterday, when I was telling God that I had my doubts in him and telling him I was sorry for feeling this way...I saw a shooting star. I gasped. Today when I was feeling down, the little brown bird that God or Lucy has sent to my windowsill on several occaisions showed up...HOPE but sometimes it doesn't fill me up. I still feel tired, sad, angry, mad, blue....I want this to go away. I have three other beautiful children to take care of and a d/h who works hard for us but motivation and my sould have left me at times and I fear that nothing will get done and things will only get worse.
Wow, this is weird writing all this down. I know there is HOPE and don't worry gals I will keep on rolling with the punches. Just wanted some insight.
Bea |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 07/29/2008 2:52 PM |
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Bea,
Time does lessen the hurt. There will be ups and downs but more ups than downs hopefully.
We all react so differently but what you are feeling is completely normal.
I am praying for you.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Bea Villegas
Regular Participant
Posts: 12
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| 07/31/2008 8:46 PM |
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| Thank you Sharon for your kind words. You know for now I have found some peace. I know it is because He is with me or has sent angels to support me. It's comforting. I guess this is all I really need to hold on to in those darkest moments. |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 08/02/2008 9:46 PM |
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Bea, so sorry things are hard for you. Please know though that what you are going through is completely normal and you will get through it. For me I was coping better the first two weeks than I was at 2 months. I missed my bump so much and could not help imagining what things could have been like. It feels like the whole world around you is pregnant or have just given birth. I could not cope with the fact that I was no longer one of them. Even though I cried all the pain just kept building up. I think that the fact that I went to a Christian womens conference and cried for two days in a row, hardly without breaks, was really healing and releasing for me. I have definitely still had hard days since but not as hard and I had a breakthrough with God that has given me a new desire to know Him more and to read His word. I pray for a breakthrough for you as well, in the right time at the right place. But until then please know we are here for you, we understand and we are praying for you!
In His love,
Karin |
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