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MEND Online Forums
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 09/29/2008 12:42 AM |
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This is to everyone that I used to communicate with and haven't in quite a while and to all of the women that I have not met yet: LOVE and PEACE to you all!!!
I used to spend endless hours on this site and if it were not for the love and support that I received here I can't imagine how horrible this journey would have been for me. Thank you to each of you that reached out and help me stay "together".
Also... I am terribly sorry for bailing out on you, but I just couldn't handle the pain of reading about one more loss. I was encouraging others and yet having a roaring battle with God inside of my own heart. I was on medications that were also throwing me into an intense depression. My black hole was engulfing me and I got so tired that I felt like I just couldn't fight any longer! That is when I gave up and let go. What does that mean? It means that I lost all of my ability to "perform" for others and I got very bitter and very real for once. I just got scared that it would hurt others on this site by mistake with my unsettling attitude. So for both of those reasons, I left!
However, that was then that God really started repairing my heart(first tearing it down, though). He started teaching me things about myself and about Him that I had never truly seen before. I wish I could say that I have come through this with flying colors, but...truthfully...I am just starting to find the strength to read a little bit on MEND. I am finally off the meds (although they were supposedly helping my physical condition, they were making me an emotional wreck).
To you all, please know that I extend the deepest amount of sympathy and empathy to anyone going through a loss or infertility. Although we are not infertile, I might as well be right now, for it seems to be unsafe for me to try to conceive because of the condition I have that most likely stole our babies lives. This in itself has made me so mad!!! It was hard enough "trying" and being disappointed for the season before having our daughter, but this is infuriating!
It seems cruel at times having to try to not get pregnant when we wanted a baby so desperately. I had a few scares and that all but made me truly crazy! How can it be that being blessed with a baby could be so scary and unnerving, not to mention dangerous? I am not in any real danger myself have you, but the baby would be. This info has been hard to deal with. It also leaves me with such a feeling of being a failure at times, although I know that it is just a lie from the devil!
Anyway, I am trying to hold onto the hope though that we will beat this and be able to try again before I am too old. I am 38 now and starting to wonder if I should let go of that dream altogether at times, though. I have been so extremely blessed with the two living children that I have. Am I just being greedy to want one more?
Anyway, please forgive my absence and know that certain people: Shan, Sharon, Karin, Nele, Melissa and others are still very much on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers. In many ways I miss you all dearly!
Also, my heart goes out to all of you who would have any reason to be reading this now!!! May God bless you and pour out His love on you in a way that you would never imagined possible!!!
Love to all of you...my sisters,
Lisa Day
PS. I will most likely check this forum from time to time for replies, but I can not promise that I have the strength to read many (or any) others yet. I pray you will understand! BE BLESSED!!! |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 09/29/2008 3:40 PM |
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Lisa,
Praise God for your healing! I am so glad to hear from you. I have missed you dearly. Your posts are always so loving and heartfelt. I am inspired by reading them.
I will continue to pray for you. You are such a blessing to all of us on this site.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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Ana De Forge
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 10/01/2008 10:46 AM |
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Lisa,
I understand how you feel. I too have been away from this site for a long time. I mistakenly thought that if i didn't think about the pain that it would go away. I was wrong. I am now seeing a therapist that is helping me understand that the only way to really heal is to feel and think about what hurts the most but not to let it consume me. I joined MEND after I lost my angel Noah at 20 weeks. He was my second lose. In August I lost a 3rd angel. But thanks to this site and you wonderful ladies I am dealing. Not doing great yet but dealing. So yes I do understand how its too painful to read others stories.
Ana
Mommy to three angles
Angel One (mc July 4, 2007)
Noah March 23, 2008
Angel Two (mc August, 2008) |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 10/02/2008 12:13 AM |
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Ladies,
Thank you for your loving words! I can't begin to tell you what it does for me to hear from you! I guess I have been isolated so long that I forgot what it feels like to "connect" to others about what is really in your heart and not what you feel you must "portray".
I am so sorry to hear about both of your losses! I wish so desperately that there was something that could be done to prevent such pain! My heart goes out to you!
Ana, I remember you and Noah, but what happened this time? Do you mind me asking? It is after 2am here and I have to have my son at the doctor at 8:30, so I really don't have time to dig and find your story, but I care greatly and would like to know what happened if you don't mind sharing. If you mind, please forgive my intrusion!
Anyway, my heart goes out to you both and please know that you have blessed me by your responses!
Lisa Day |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 10/02/2008 10:00 AM |
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Hello, Lisa.
I'm new to the forum, and I appreciate you sending out your love and support to us all in your time of hurting and healing.
I do understand what you mean about not being up to reading more of the heartbreaking stories.
There have been times at my forum where I didn't want to reply to members because I felt my opinion would be hurtful, though I wouldn't intend it to be. It's just that sometimes I feel a certain emotions building inside and I feel that once I get going, I might not be able to stop before I say something I'll regret, so I remain quiet on the topic.
I think you did the right thing by taking time away from the forum and taking time for yourself.
I'm glad you decided to drop in for a moment to let everyone know how you are and that you've still got them in your thoughts and prayers. I know you've been in theirs, too.
Take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Ana De Forge
Regular Participant
Posts: 23
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| 10/02/2008 12:19 PM |
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Lisa,
I don't mind at all sharing. I didn't post on here about the third lose. I was too devastated and too angry at God. But I am doing better, not good but better. I don't really know what happened this last time. I found out I was pregnant, we went to see the doctor on a Tuesday. They told us everything looked fine, it was too early to try and find a heartbeat, we talked about options for placing a cerclage after 12 weeks, they drew blood,and sent me home. I started spotting that Friday. I went to the er on Sunday and they sent me home to "wait it out". It is so frustrating not having any answers. I have a doctors appointment next thursday and I pray that I will get some, any, answers.
I pray that you are doing better. I keep you and all this ladies in my prayers. Are you planning on going to the walk on Saturday? My hubby and i are planning on going. It would be great to see you there.
God bless,
Ana |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 10/02/2008 11:39 PM |
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Well, as you can see, I more than just "dropped in". Right now this is blessing me and I am not feeling what I did when I left. Thanks to the words of encouragement!
I am so sorry Ana! You know, supposedly the way they found out about my heart condition was by doing a study on women who had miscarriages. I am starting to wonder if there is more of this kind of thing going on out there. I guarantee that if I didn't have the Cardiologist I have, I would have no understanding as to what possibly happened with Josiah. I am not saying that this is what happened with you, I am saying that my ob would never have caught it and I could continue losing my babies over and over again.
Do you have any other issues that you might get checked out? My chiropractor says that he had a woman in there that had numerous miscarriages and after realigning her back and hips (including her pelvis bone, I think) she carried to term with no problems. Maybe this will help bring something to mind!
Anyway...I pray you do continue to feel better! I couldn't understand being mad at God more! I am so grateful that I am through that horrible season though! It was an awful journey! He really is good and He really does love you...I know that may make you angry to hear...but I promise...I finally see evidence of that fact in my life now, I just refused to for such a long time, though. I pray it is not that way for you!
Lots of love, Lisa |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 10/07/2008 3:42 PM |
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Lisa, just wanted to let you know that I am so glad to see you back on the forum. I have always appreciated your messages and input and encouragement and they have been greatly missed. At the same time I do also understand why a break was necessary and am glad to hear that God has begun healing you although we all know the journey is long. It is just good to see you again and I hope you will feel encouraged as well by being back. Know that you don't always have to give, give, give on this site. We are all here for you as well. It is about mutual encouragement. So please share with us so we can support you and pray for you. We love you dearly!!!
Hugs,
Karin |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 10/10/2008 11:57 PM |
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Karin,
How very sweet and very needed! I did have a very stressful week and at the end of it I let myself start get more and more unnerved at little thoughts. I can go days, maybe weeks, feeling strong and as I may never "hurt" and regret in the same way I have in the past, but then something unknown "jabs" my heart and makes me long for what is no more...to be pregnant with our baby. I just miss him so much and I get mad that he is not in the back seat all buckled up or that he is not sleeping sound in my arms. I get so sad for his sister and yet lose my desire to try again out of fear and exhaustion. I hate that it feels as if the window of time that I wanted them to be "apart" has already stretched greater than I planned. These were not MY PLANS!!! I know that it never will be MY WAY...but I can't help to wish it were sometimes! I hope you understand. I am mainly just venting!
Anyway...I could use some real prayer if you don't mind. I have a horrible case of shingles and I am needed in my family not to get weak right now, but I am so tired and weak that it causes me to hurt greatly. With this I just remember more than I want to and regret more than I should. I just need real rest!
I appreciate you so much! Thanks again for your sweet and much needed words!
Lisa |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 10/11/2008 6:30 AM |
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Lisa,
I will be praying for your spirit as well as your body. I have had shingles and it is not fun. Please be encouraged knowing that there is a mighty group of Christian women praying for you.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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