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MEND Online Forums
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Debby Shulman
Regular Participant
Posts: 21
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| 10/28/2008 7:49 AM |
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As some of you may know, i had a loss at 23 weeks back in February 2008 and now having trouble conceiving.
I have always been upset that a certain party of my family never called me to express thier symathy, or even ask how i was feeling. And now i just found out through other family members that two of them are pregnant. I honestly havent spoken to any of them since my loss, they havent made any attempt to make contact with me and i dont feel like i should make the first move. I feel resentment towards these two girls and i know i shouldnt. that is something i know i need to work through. But i still dont feel like i am in the wrong for holding a grudge. Dealing with the pain of my loss, i was also hurt so badly by the fact that they didnt contact me. (not even a text message)
Through my loss, I finally figured out who the TRUE people were in my life. Receiving supporting phone calls and emails from people i never suspected.
has anyone had a similar experience or have any advice on how or if i should even forgive them?
Debby - mommy to one angel in heaven |
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LaDundriette McCain
Recognized Participant
Posts: 78
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| 10/28/2008 12:35 PM |
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Hi, Debby.
That's such an awful thing for you to deal with. I'm sorry.
Yes, I've been through something like what you've said. One of my cousins and I have been very close, like sisters for several years. We always supported one another through several events. When I told her I lost my baby, she said she was sorry, but that it was most likely for the best. She then went on and on about how I was better off w/o my baby since my boyfriend (the baby's father) and I broke up. We'd discussed getting married, but he decided to back out of the relationship. Anyway, all I wanted from my cousin was for her to listen to me talk about missing my little angel. I'd only come to accept the fact after nearly a year. I lost Kai in 2007 and didn't tell until August 2008.
She could only talk about how much better off I am without hm/her and that my ex wouldn't have done a thing for us. I don't believe that. I told her that I didn't need to hear of the wrongs of my ex...that I needed to cry and talk about my baby. She wouldn't let me...she'd keep on about my ex. So, I stopped talking to her. It's been about two months since we've had any sort of contact.
I do wish that you'd have more support from those you care about. It's not fair.
As for advice, I'm not sure if I can help. I'm finding that not talking to my cousin while I'm still hurt by her is best. She hasn't picked up a phone or sent an email to me, so I feel that she knows she's wrong and is ashamed, or just doesn't want to show any support. I'll get along w/o her, though it hurts.
I think you should cope in the best way you can w/o them. Once you start to heal and feel better, you may feel that you can forgive them. Only do so on your time, and with God's help. Sorry I can't offer anything more.
Be strong and take care of yourself. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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tonya brown
Regular Participant
Posts: 13
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| 10/28/2008 2:06 PM |
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I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my daughter Tiffany on July 21 at 21 weeks and there are family and friends who have not uttered a word to me.
I can understand to a certain point that they may be at a lost for words, but thats what greeting cards are far. I have a very close friend who has not said or done anything, and a niece who acts like I don't exist.
If they think its so hard communicating to us....trying walking a day in our shoes. You have seen hard until you have lost your child
I am similar to you, I have a grudge at this point and I am hoping with time I will forgive them both, but for now "so be it."
Tonya |
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Tonya
AKA Tiffany's Mommy
b/d July 21, 2008 |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 256
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| 10/28/2008 3:12 PM |
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My husband experienced the same things after our loss. I know that some people don't know what to say so they just avoid the situation. It is even more awkward when they suddenly reappear into your life as if nothing happened.
I'm sure it is hard to understand unless that person has experienced a loss of their own whether it was a parent, sibling, etc. God calls us to forgive others but it may take time. You may need to grieve before you can contemplate tackling another hurdle. I suggest that you pray about it. It is amazing what God can do when we trust Him.
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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LaDundriette McCain
Recognized Participant
Posts: 78
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| 10/30/2008 9:33 AM |
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Tonya, you're so right about the greeting cards. They could at least send one that says "Thinking of You". They don't even have to write anything extra inside the card...just sign it.
---
Sharon, I know what you mean,...how they come back into our lives as if nothing happens. I don't like that at all. I do understand that what we've suffered isn't easy for most to deal with, but I feel that we each deserve something from all of our friend and family members. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Tasha Beckman
Member
Posts: 4
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| 11/30/2008 7:33 PM |
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First and foremost, I share your pain, as I lost my son (Chance) at 23 weeks 2 months 2 days ago.
I love the quote "It is at the darkest hour that a star shines the brightest," because it says a whole lot with very few words. When times are rough, true friends and loved ones will be there for you; but if they disappoint you, don't allow their actions to dim your light.
I'm practicing the avoidance method, to avoid blowing up. I had a fellow book club member tell me that "it was not your time" and then followed up with a request to join her at her church on Sunday. I understand that there is a season for everything, but these five words she uttered via e-mail, just made me cringe. "It was not your time" as if women are in a waiting line and that my number was mistakenly called when I got pregnant with my son. With this person, I just don't respond to the messages, and will reconnect whenever I feel the resentment is much lower.
I found that same people just don't know what to say. To them, I say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
I hope this helps. |
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Lisa Day
Member
Posts: 7
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| 12/26/2008 11:29 PM |
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Hi, I used to be on here alot, but it's been awhile. I certainly relate to how all of you feel. We have family here for the holidays and I know that it is not that they didn't care...I believe that it may scare them. They seem afraid to bring up my son Josiah who went back to Heaven around 16 weeks into my pregnancy. They seem equally uncomfortable ifI briefly mention him. I think they are either worried that I will hurt more or they may be worried that I might express emotions that make them uncomfortable. I can't help it though. Sometimes I just want bring him up.
I do understand to some degree. We have a cousin in the family that was killed 7 years ago at the age of 17 in a horrible car accident. I have to admit that although I never try to change the subject as I have had done to me, I haven't brought him up very often. I often want to ... to remind them that I know how much they must be missing him, but I am terribly afraid to even say his name at times. I actually never met him , as he is my husbands cousin. He died shortly before we started dating. His death hurts his mother so much that I fear causing her more pain than she may already be "stuffing".
Anyway, it is obvious that we all understand the imprtance of being able to reach out to those suffering such a loss. I pray that all of us will find God's grace to forgive those who have hurt us and to have the courage to reach out to others who may need us (like what happens here).
God bless you all and I pray healing for each of you. I am so sorry about the losses that are represented here.
Lisa Day |
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tonya brown
Regular Participant
Posts: 13
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| 12/28/2008 7:50 PM |
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I guess my family and friends are use to me mentioning Tiffany. I have talked about her from the first day that we found out we were pregnant.....I feel as though I am denying her and the life she lived when "I" don't speak of her.
I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but she was my baby and I should be able to speak of her.
I use to be hesitant about talking of her and my pregnancy....but I always felt depressed about it. It was one of the happiest times in my life, even though it didnt end the way I wanted.
Now my family and friends freely ask questions about Tiffany and my pregnancy because I showed them it was ok..."I'm not going to fall to pieces, if anything it helps".
They even wished her "Merry Christmas".
Tonya |
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Tonya
AKA Tiffany's Mommy
b/d July 21, 2008 |
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