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MEND Online Forums
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shan j
Recognized Participant
Posts: 72
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| 04/04/2008 11:21 PM |
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My aunt called and told me last night that my little cousin (age 18) and his girlfriend just delivered a baby. She was so excited. I tried so hard to be happy for her but I don't think I was convincing. Hateful as this sound I feel I could do better by the baby then they can. They are so irresponsible and young. Here I am 31 w/ 5 miscarriages. I am the oldest person in my family (both mom and dad side) that do not have a baby. It don't help that I work in a hospital so all day I see pregnant women (some happy ones and some sad). I am trying to optimistic and also encouraging for others but last night made me realize I am not as truly happy as I portray. Am I being selfish have such hateful thoughts? I am happier when someone achieves a healthy pregnancy that have been through the same heartbreak I have been through then my own cousin. I should not be this way but I can't help it. Sorry so long I just wanted to get this off my chest. |
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Shan
Mother to 5 Angels in Heaven |
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Melissa Stephens
MEND Moderator
Recognized Participant
Posts: 153
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| 04/09/2008 2:19 AM |
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Shan,
I don't have advice to give, but I want you to know that your feelings are absolutely normal. Also, I don't think it's hateful to say that you would do a better job because it's quite possibly very true! Truly feeling joy for another person's pregnancy can be very very hard. All I can say is to pray and ask God to change your heart so that your sadness does not keep you from enjoying someone else's blessings. And...be patient with yourself! I know God will be, too. |
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Melissa
wife to Rob
mommy to:
David, my 1st angel in heaven - born still October 23, 2003
C.J., my angel on earth - Sept. 29, 2005
Baby Stephens, my 2nd angel in heaven - June 30, 2008
Stanley, my fur-baby - miniature schnauzer, 4 years old |
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shan j
Recognized Participant
Posts: 72
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| 04/16/2008 9:33 PM |
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Melissa,
I know I am being selfish but sometimes my heart doesn't catch up with my heart. It seems as when I come to terms with everything I get another kick in the gut. My other cousin (female) had her 2nd child on Friday (18Apr) and as usual they call me to brag. They don't seem to understand what I am feeling. I am happy for both of my cousins but sometimes I feel they want to rub it in my face. However I know my time will come so I will hold on. |
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Shan
Mother to 5 Angels in Heaven |
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Katie K
Member
Posts: 8
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| 07/01/2008 3:39 PM |
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Shan~
I think that is totally normal, or we are odd together! We just found out friends or ours are expecting and have waited to tell us since we just lost our twins 16 weeks ago...I know in my heart I wish no one to ever have to go through this horrible tragedy, and I believe that my anger is truely envy, that it reminds me of what we don't have. It is just so hard to see people get pregnant (on their own) when they want and 9 months later have a healthy baby. That is all I wanted for our family, I thought getting pregnant was going to be the hard part. Once we knew we had twins on the way, it seemed as if the road would be downhill from there...that naive person is gone. |
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shan j
Recognized Participant
Posts: 72
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| 08/14/2008 9:44 PM |
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Hello,
Sorry I haven't been around in a awhile I have just been so busy trying to get things together for my move. I have put off TTC until next year. So much is going on in my life right now. I hope everyone is well. My prayers are with you all. |
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Shan
Mother to 5 Angels in Heaven |
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