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MEND Online Forums
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 08/12/2008 10:59 AM |
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hi all. I haven't been on the site for weeks and weeks, I just felt like i needed to spend my energy on other things.
I am so down today--I was to have my c-section today--two weeks before my actual due date because I was to have another c-section. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when August is over. And in my heart I really thought I would be pregnant again by this time and that would make it easier in some way. Like I can finish this chapter in the book of my life and with a pregnancy I can start a new chapter.
A new chapter doesn't mean that the previous chapter didn't exist or didn't matter--the new chapter is what happens after. I am waiting on what happens next, waiting for hope to come.
It's been longer since my baby died than the 4 months I had with the baby inside. That makes me so sad.
And I keep getting all these stinking mailings and packages with baby stuff--enfamil, similac, magazines, coupons. I don't want any of that stuff for the baby I don't have.
All I want to do is have my baby in my arms.
Sorry for the pity party. There will probably be another one in two weeks when my actual due date comes. I hate August.
Nele |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 08/12/2008 12:21 PM |
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Hi Nele,
Not a pity party..just reaching out for help when you need it and that is a great thing that you are doing it...you would suffer much more if you buried it inside. I am so sorry for you and I feel your pain immensely. My daughter would have celebrated her 6 month bday and milestones on the 31st of July and I was so depressed all day...couldn't really figure out why and then it hit me.
These times and dates and milestones are so hard and they are that hard because we love and we've lost and its all very sad. I totally understand as well about wanting to start a new chapter...not to forget this one...but I think we are all in such mourning and need a break and a baby in our arms. My best friend is pregnant with her 3rd child right now and has had very easy pregnancies all along...her sister made mention of that fact that I was probably pissed at her because things are so easy for her in that respect and I said no, I am just really pissed at the universe because so many things don't seem fair...I know that it really doesn't have anything to do with being fair but it has a whole lot to do with the fact that losing our babies really sucks!!!!!
I am thinking about you and hoping that you are taking it easy on yourself through this difficult time...maybe you could mourn and celebrate these dates at the same time...just a thought...don't really know how, and I can't say that I have figured it out but I guess it would be worth a shot...
Take care and I hope that some peace comes your way,
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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eira plummer
Regular Participant
Posts: 11
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| 08/13/2008 11:27 PM |
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Nele I am truly sorry for your loss. Through my experience I can truly say that I know there are no words that can take away the pain that you feel in your heart, but I must say just keep the faith! I too know the feeling of being upset, angry, confused, tired of the mere thought of your baby not being here with you on milestone days to celebrate. I know we all want our babies here on Earth with us, but God has a more dire need for them in Heaven! Just try to stay strong, and I know it's not easy but your day is coming! I'll continue to pray for you and yours!
Eira |
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LaDundriette McCain
Major Participant
Posts: 49
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| 09/16/2008 7:24 PM |
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Hi, Nele.
I'm sorry, but I don't know the right words to say, so I want you to know that I'll be praying for you.
Take care. |
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LM
Mommy to one angel in Heaven - -
Kai Angel (m/c at seven and half weeks...grew wings on December 17, 2007)
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 09/17/2008 2:15 AM |
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Thank you for your prayers. It's nice to know that others can pray even on the days I cannot.
Nele |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 09/17/2008 2:15 AM |
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Thank you for your prayers. It's nice to know that others can pray even on the days I cannot.
Nele |
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Lisa Day
Recognized Participant
Posts: 154
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| 10/01/2008 11:06 PM |
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Nele,
Haven't been on here in a long time until the other night myself. I had every intention of posting on my due date with Josiah, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I always delivered 2 weeks early, so I too went
through the two weeks of "before" and "actual due date" thinking about what I should be doing (having my little angel). For a while I felt as if God was laughing at my pain because it was one hard reminder after another. I think I mentioned the lady with my original due date for Josiah being in my swim class. That was very rough! I found every excuse in the book to miss it and grew more and more angry with God.
Now, I find myself in a weird place when I am around women I know with newborns. I not only hurt inside (although I don't think it shows), but I love babies so much that I am sincerely "doting" over them and then it seems as if these women whom I have known for years are scared to talk to me anymore because they have a baby and I don't. I feel like I am an "outcast" or have leprosy or something now. Do you ever feel that way?
Anyway, I have worked my anger for God out...finally! I can truly say that I am on my way to recovering even if it doesn't look as if we can safely start a "new chapter" right now. I understand what you mean and pray that God uses what ever means He can to help you start a new, without letting go of the old completely (which I know you were not saying you want to do). I think it has always been evident that you love your son and always will!
I pray the best for you and think about you and others often!
Lisa Day |
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