Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 08/19/2008 3:04 AM |
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Dear friends
I would appreciate if you could pray for me. Tomorrow would have been Kathleen's due date. I am doing okay right now but I also believe it is because of prayers from friends all over and I would appreciate any extra prayers as well.
I haven't planned to do anything specific. I will light her candle though - the one from the funeral. If I feel okay I will go to my church's playgroup. I know they don't expect me to show on this day but would be glad if I was able to. In the evening my local support group is actually having a scrapbook evening so I plan to attend that and think it would be good for me.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful support you have been and continue to be!
Love and God bless,
Karin |
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Jessica Davis
Major Participant
Posts: 42
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| 08/19/2008 12:26 PM |
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Karin,
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know how horrible these days can be. I am always suprised when I have a good day and then even more surprised at how upset I can get. I hope you have a good day and let us know how it goes. Remember God is with you every step of the day.
-Jessica |
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Sharon G
Recognized Contributor
Posts: 217
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| 08/19/2008 5:07 PM |
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Karin,
I will be praying for you as well. You have been such a supportive friend to so many on this site as well.
God bless you. |
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Sharon G
Mother to two angels - Drew (S/B 12-07) & Baby G (M/C 09-08) |
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MaryKate Lofredo
Regular Participant
Posts: 16
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| 08/19/2008 5:31 PM |
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Dear Karin,
You will be in my prayers.
MK |
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MaryKate Lofredo
Mommy to six angels
Two on earth: Louis Edward (7/24/05) and John-Gabriel Alonzo (11/13/06)
Four in heaven: 7/99; 7/03; 03/04; 06/08/08 |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 08/19/2008 7:58 PM |
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Thanks all for the prayers - I do know I need every single one and I really appreciate it. Not only is it Kathleen's due date but my period is also starting. We have been trying so hard this month. I feel I need to put it on hold (the trying part) as it is consuming my life and I feel like it is taking away the little joy I have left. I need to try and focus on other things for a while, positive things.
Thanks again for your friendships and your prayers.
Love,
Karin |
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Jenni Raughley
Major Participant
Posts: 41
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| 08/23/2008 4:09 PM |
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Karin,
I am thinking about you. How did you do on the 20th? I know that dates can be so hard and I am sure that the 20th, the day that Kathleen should have been in your arms was real difficult. I totally understand your feelings and I wish you some peace and joy as you approach more difficult times but also many many more wonderful moments. Please take it easy on yourself. Many prayers and good thoughts coming your way!
Jenni |
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Hopey Angel's mommy - stillborn 1/31/08 |
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Tawni Mulligan
Member
Posts: 2
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| 08/27/2008 3:26 PM |
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Karin,
I hope you are doing well. I'm new to the site, and thankful that my mother-in-law discovered it for me. My husband and I lost our first baby, Kadin Taylor, at 18 weeks. I have not been given any answers as to why. I have good days and bad days, just like many here. We've been TTC ever since, and it's all I can think about. I have many friends and family that have just had a baby, are about to, or have just found out that they are expecting....and each one breaks my heart more and more. I'm desperate to have a baby of our own, and wish I had a way to "distract" myself. Kadin's due date, October 1st, is approaching fast...and I'm scared to think about it. My husband is in the military, and will be gone that day...so I'll be alone, and I don't know what to do.
Tawni |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 08/27/2008 3:54 PM |
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Tawni, awww sweetie, I am so sorry you have to go through this. My heart truly breaks for you. Not only for your loss but also the fact that TTC is consuming your life. I know exactly what that is like. We had tried for a year before I got pregnant with Kathleen and then lost her at 19 weeks. As soon as we got the clear to try again (6 weeks after the loss) we started trying again, and full on. It was all I could think about. Not that I wanted sex, I just wanted a baby!!! And I desperately wanted to be pregnant before Kathleen's due date. It didn't happen. Why, I don't know. We timed everything right. I just have to trust that it wasn't God's timing! Such a hard thing to do, but I know I need to get to that point where I fully trust His timing. I don't want TTC to consume my life and this month I have decided that it is not going to! I truly felt like it was taking away what little joy I had left. I now pray that God will heal me, restore me and bring joy back into my life. Yes, I pray for a baby, but I also pray for His will to be done. Even though it has been 4 months since my loss I know I am going to need God's continious help to get through this. In a week a friend of mine will have her third baby, a little girl. She was due 3 weeks after me. I don't know how I am going to cope with that. It frightens me as I don't want to loose it in front of her and make her uncomfortable forever. I truly understand what you mean when you say that each pregnancy announcement breaks your heart.
How do you distract yourself? Find something to do that you enjoy. I know that is easier said than done... Sometimes it truly also helps doing something for others. I went and helped my local support group scrapbook on the due date. I didn't do any work myself but I brought a bunch of my tools and helped others. It was a wonderful distraction and I also felt very fulfilled. I am so sorry though that you are alone on the day. I wish I could be there for you and give you a long, big hug. I think you need to let people know about the upcoming date so that they can either be there for you physically (if you can handle that) or pray for you. I know I had people praying for me all around the world and I believe it made a huge difference.
I am glad you found this site, and I hope it will provide you with support and comfort as it has me and many others. As much as we wish we could bring Kadin back, we can't, but we can be here for you and support you on your difficult journey. Please know you are not alone even when it feels like it.
All my love and prayers,
Karin |
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Tawni Mulligan
Member
Posts: 2
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| 08/29/2008 11:06 AM |
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Thank you for your kind words, Karin. I really appreciate it! I think I will try to find something to fill my time. My husband is away with training right now, anyways, so there's not anything I can do about trying to get pregnant! Ha!
But thank you, again. It meant alot to be able to talk to someone who knows what I'm dealing with. I feel a whole new sense of peace! I'm not alone!
God Bless,
Tawni |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 08/31/2008 4:10 AM |
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Tawni, you are definitely not alone. Always remember that we are here for you, to support you and pray for you. We are bound together by our loss but also by our faith and that is so important.
Be good to yourself!
Karin |
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Nele Rogers
Major Participant
Posts: 57
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| 09/08/2008 6:56 PM |
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Karin and Tawni,
My due date for my baby lost at 16 weeks was August 26th. I actually mourned two days last month. I was supposed to have a c-section two weeks before my due date so I had a quiet day to myself on the 12th. Then on the 26th my husband and I redid a flower bed where we had planted a beautiful redbud tree on Easter in memorial to Matthew.
Because he was only 16 weeks along we didn't have a funeral or anything. We did get a bronze plaque mounted on granite that we placed in the flower bed under the tree that says
"In memory of
Matthew
2008"
We placed it there for the first time on his due date. It looks lovely.
Karin like you I desperately wanted to be pregnant before my due date came and went. I thought it would make it easier. Well I am not and I've decided that I've just got to get all the way better. I still can't stand to be around pregnant women. I saw a tiny infant today for the first time since my miscarriage. I was waiting to see my ob/gyn. And then heard it cry. And I lost it. I was bawling and, of course, that is when they called my name. I was a mess. I just kept thinking that that would be the size of my baby if he had lived. And the little bitty baby cry just did me in.
Obviously I am still grieving. I am going to try to not think about TTC and just chill for a while. I feel tense and tired all the time. I am going to put my energy into trying to relax for awhile. Maybe Karen and Tawni you can do the same.
Sincerly,
Nele |
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Karin Knapp
Recognized Participant
Posts: 111
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| 09/14/2008 8:13 PM |
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Nele, I don't think we will ever be fully okay though. I don't think seeing pregnant women and newborns will ever get easy. Although I know if I was pregnant it would be easier. I believe that would bring comfort and distraction. Along with fears. Anyway, just wanted to say, that yes, of course you are obviously still grieving. I honestly don't think it will ever fully go away. You will always miss your little Matthew whenever you think of him. I don't ever want to get to a point where I don't think about my Kathleen anymore. I am not saying I want to think about her all the time but I want to remember her and acknowledge her. So anyway, I don't know if you will ever get all the way better as you wrote, so please don't be so hard on yourself if you are not. We will forever be changed - but God will also use it for something good.
I know I repeated myself a lot... Guess I just wanted my point to get across as I think you may have too high expectations for yourself and that if you can't meet those, you may end up worse. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel for as long as you feel it. To grieve is right and healthy.
Love and hugs,
Karin |
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